Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Stop Boshing Around

5:06 remaining in the first quarter of a pivotal game 5. 

The game started out as it should, Miami starting strong as Lebron and Wade scored 12 out of the Heats first 14 points (classic). Suddenly, the AmericanAirlines Arena erupts as their third heads to the scorer’s table. 

"Maybe he will put us over the edge to stop father time" says one ailing Heat fan. Or better yet "maybe he will be the consistent third scorer that James and Wade need when their shots aren’t falling."

To the players, he is a competitive, quiet yet energetic dinosaur that isn’t afraid to get emotional for the team. Some may say he’s as important as Wade or Lebron to the team’s success. 

Whatever you cast upon Bosh, if Miami can't escape this 3-2 hole against Boston, Chris Bosh will not be wearing a Heat uniform come next season. 

You read that right.

For the record, I am not saying Miami should trade Bosh. I am only stating what I believe is the inevitable. 

Miami lost Bosh to an upper abdominal strain in game 1 versus Indiana. In that time, Miami convincingly beat the Pacers in six games, and have been adequately competing against one of the NBA’s hottest teams. 

Over the past nine games without Bosh it has become clear that the Heat do not need him on the court.  Without Bosh, Lebron and Wade are free to do what they thrive at, isolation plays. When you have two of the best isolation players in the game, why would you want to hold them back? 
With so few defenders in the league that can consistently stop Wade or Lebron off the dribble, why wouldn’t the Heat utilize their abilities every game? With Bosh on the court, the Heat’s game plan suddenly changes to compliment Bosh and this is not how it should be. When Bosh is on the floor, he should be complimenting the game plan: running with Wade and Lebron while being a high-energy player under the basket.

The Heat need a power forward that is willing able to run with Wade and Lebron. I replaced willing because I am sure we all are willing to run with them, but how many of us, or in the NBA, can honestly say they can keep up with those two on the break? That’s what I thought. Given a forward that fills these requirements, the already unstoppable break of the Heat would be even more unstoppable, and the Heat would have more options other than Haslem for garbage buckets and put backs.

They also need someone with an inside presence and the willingness to bang for the boards. Besides Wade and Lebron, no one on the Heat, especially their front line, is athletic to bang with the norm of big men in the NBA. Plug in a high energy forward instead of Bosh and you get a consistent rebounder who is willing to defend the opposing teams best big. 

You may not want to hear it, but Bosh is expendable. Put him on 25 other teams and he would be a key player, but this just isn’t the right scenario for him or the Heat as a team. His offense can be replaced (his 15 ft jump shot has become a norm for most power forwards), and his defense can be upgraded.  Combine that with Pat Riley’s no nonsense attitude, and the fans and medias constant claims that Miami should be well on their way to their second Larry O’brien trophy in a row, and we'll see the moveable Bosh packing his bags this summer since Lebron and Wade clearly don’t need him. 

Magic Johnson had it right during the game 1 pre-show, "I’m picking the Heat because of Lebron and Wade.  They’re both playing their best basketball, probably because of Chris Bosh. Lebron gets to be the way he was in Cleveland and Wade gets to be Wade."

Tell me, do you want to be the one stopping Wade from being Wade and Lebron from being Lebron? I didn’t think so.



Wednesday, 9 May 2012


ll season DGS will be committed to presenting you with all you need to know about Ozzie Guillen's hi-jinks. Will he swear on national television? Will he win a hot-dog eating contest? Honestly, who the hell knows? Stay tuned for the latest and greatest.

"What have I done...?"

I often use the expression, "grow up" sarcastically to friends because 1, I am wildly immature and 2, it amuses me. Ozzie Guillen, however, recently used the phrase to deflect a question regarding his pro-Castro comments from earlier this year. When asked by Houston radio host, Paul Gallant whether the heat has died down in Miami Castro had this to say:

Fucking grow up, motherfucker


This is the kind of stuff that makes us love Ozzie. How dare you ask the man about his spectacular blunder. His quick temper and foul language please me to no end. If Marlins owner, Jeffery Loria ever wanted to buy another team he could just implement a swear jar for Guillen.

Team Status: 15-15, virtually the same place we last saw them. A slow start is slowly morphing into a mediocre season. Still plenty of time, though.

Level of Regret in Management: I could hear Loria slap his forehead into his palm from here. I can picture the conversation now:

Loria: Ozzie why would you say that?!

Ozzie: Say what? What are you talking about?

Loria: You swore at that guy!

Ozzie: Fucking grow up, motherfucker.

Ozzie's Disposition: I have a suspicion that he has already forgot this ever happened. Happy.

Next Stunt Prediction: Last time I predicted him fighting a cameraman. I was kind of close... But I think his next stunt will baseball related. Maybe shoving an umpire? That would be fucking sweet.

Until next time,

Grow up you motherfuckers.



Tuesday, 8 May 2012

An Open Letter To Stephen Ross

Dear Stevie,

Hey pal, how's it goin'? You'd have us all believe it's going just splendid, wouldn't you? Here's what I think. It's not going well, it's been kind of shitty hasn't it? You hired an inept GM who pissed away an offseason and you won't fire him because of some allegiance to Bill Parcells' legacy (that is seriously the only thing I can think of). Why is he still here? Well, I have a couple items to discuss with you about this and more, so put on your best spectacles.

Jeff Fireland didn't just piss away an offseason, sir, HE FUCKED IT UP ROYALLY. Let's look back at the Peyton Manning situation now that we have enough dignity to pull our heads out of the sand. Even if Manning had expressed direct interest in Miami, what negative effect would Brandon Marshall have on the team? Perhaps the two seasons of good behavior and more production than any receiver since OJ McDuffie (respect) weren't any indication of his potential to complement Manning perfectly, OR any young quarterback (like Tannehill) as he has shown with Jay Cutler, Chad Henne and Matt Moore throughout his career. No, no, by all means let him walk for a third round pick. FUCKASS.

Although, we were never close. Manning wouldn't even meet you in Miami. We were left holding our dicks while you made bold promise after broken promise. Are you and Ireland best friends? Why was he allowed to do this? Why did most Dolphins fans think that we had a chance in the Manning-sweepstakes? Then he committed to Denver and it was revealed that WE NEVER HAD A FUCKING SHOT. Oh, shucks, we were real close this time a derp a derp a derp. What the fuck man? Make a statement that shows the respect you need to have for your fan-base that is ever so pissed. Shed some light for us, tell us you are withdrawing from the race for Manning to pursue a more viable option. Something! Anything but getting embarrassed like that. Retain some dignity.

And, what the fuck is Ireland doing? I know it's cliched to criticize a GM and all, but at some point someone has to say, "wow, that guy is actually fucking up large." Matt Flynn goes to Seattle. He actually came to Miami. He actually expressed interest, has NFL experience, and has played for Joe Philbin. Let's let him walk. Let's not try and move up for a higher pick in the draft. Let's sell our best asset, and KEEP our least stable one in Reggie Bush, when we could have sold him high.

Can we not build on the second half of last season? This team could play. I hope to god they can continue to play this year in spite of management. "No one wants to play there," says Ryan Clark of the Steelers. Maybe it's because our GM asks draftees personal questions that have ZERO football or character relevance. Maybe it's because this franchise has been a bastardized version of the proud one we once knew.  Maybe it's because players know they are going to be learning a new system in two years once [INSERT COACH] gets the boot.

Can I say Tannehill was a bad pick? Yes. Were Ireland's hands tied? Yes. But he's the fucking idiot who tied them (I don't know the logistics of this, but it's possible). He put the team in the position where it HAD to draft Tannehill. The kid is a lottery ticket. He could turn out to be a good pick, but right now Ireland is acting on a whim. He has played 19 college games at QB. His talent is undeniable, but neither were Jamrcus Russell's or Akili Smith's at this time. I hope to god he develops into a great player, but I sure as fuck don't want my GM to be spending 8th overall on a whim.

Who knows, maybe he will explode onto the scene al la Cam Newton - but he could also never develop into what we need. Ireland either looks like a genius or somehow worse than he does now when this is over. Why are you letting this man gamble with your team? You say you drafted this kid to sell tickets? When? No one is going to pay or put the Fins on MNF to watch a handsome guy hold a fucking clipboard. Call it what it is: a risky draft pick who needs time and probably won't see action until late season, if at all. STOP DICKING US AROUND! Here's the way I see it: if Tannehill fails, you fail. You let Fireland call the shots for too long and haven't found a stable coach. Don't get me started on how you ruined Sparano, either. You bought an expensive lottery ticket that is either going to take us back to where we need to be, or he busts. If that is the case, you need to either get the fuck out or get Parcells the fuck back in to make some real (and right) decisions.

Relentlessly terrible hirings and picks for well over a decade (barring Parcells) has trudged all of us through endless mediocrity and worse. You can change all of this, Stephen. We all smell like shit and I need to stop cringing when people ask me who my team is. Fireland, and let's move on together, step-by-step. You can change all of this.

Or, at least, blame it on Nick Saban.


Thursday, 3 May 2012

Woe is the Knicks

“0 chance.”

That’s the reply I received after texting my friend today. “Knicks?” is all I said. The two word reply was what I got in return, which was unfortunate because I needed a ride home from the train station.

The Knicks are in trouble. All fire extinguisher punching aside, the Knicks’ problems are more than glass-sliced skin deep. Melo entered the playoffs as the hottest scorer in the NBA, Tyson Chandler might have stolen defensive player of the year with his game in the last month of the season, Shumpert and the supporting cast were playing inspired ball, and Jeremy Lin was seemingly unnecessary.

Looks can be deceiving.

Saturday, 28 April 2012

Sex, Drugs and Playoffs: Western Conference

Where the fuck has the time gone? 

I remember when David Stern was twisting this league by the balls during lockout negotiations, how little hope I had for a 2012 NBA season.  Then, suddenly, on that glorious November evening, an agreement was made to end the lockout and basketball was back in our lives.  The honeymoon phase felt like yesterday, and the sex was nice too.  Skip through the boring middle of the NBA season and now the action is starting to heat up: the divorce.  It’s been a good run (season) but its time to close things up (file the papers), and only one team (person) can come out on top (NBA Champions) 

(EDITOR'S NOTE: You know a shocking amount about divorce for a 21 year-old spinster).  

Hearts will be broken, heroes will be made, souls will be eaten, and Scalabrine will rein (I’m a poet and didn’t even know it).

Pictures speak louder than words

Sex, Drugs and Playoffs: Eastern Conference

Where the fuck has the time gone? 

I remember when David Stern was twisting this league by the balls during lockout negotiations, how little hope I had for a 2012 NBA season.  Then, suddenly, on that glorious November evening, an agreement was made to end the lockout and basketball was back in our lives.  The honeymoon phase felt like it was yesterday, and the sex was nice too.  Skip through the boring middle of the NBA season and now the action is starting to heat up: the divorce.  It’s been a good run (season) but its time to close things up (file the papers), and only one team (person) can come out on top (NBA Champions).  Hearts will be broken, heroes will be made, souls will be eaten, and Scalabrine will rein (I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it).

Pictures speak louder than words
Until the NBA Finals, DrunkGuySports will be previewing every series in every round until we are crowned a winner.  The 2012 NBA playoffs promise to be as entertaining as the first time you watched Indiana Jones, and as dramatic as watching a fat kids reaction when he finds out the ice cream store ran out of chocolate.  The point is, there is nothing like playoff basketball, so lets see what the eastern conference has in store of us:

Saturday, 21 April 2012

The Official DGS Theme Song

It was a close one, sorry Hot Problems but we have decided to go with the superb piece entitled The Baddest by Krispy Kreme.

This upperlip-sweaty man who seemingly has 400 of everything, and isn't very tall (but he'll fight you) is probably the greatest unrecognized artist of the year.

"I had to fight my whole life, I could beat you up even if you had one-thousand knives."



All season DGS will be committed to presenting you with all you need to know about Ozzie Guillen's hi-jinks. Will he swear on national television? Will he win a hot-dog eating contest? Honestly, who the hell knows? Stay tuned for the latest and greatest.

The Showtime series, "The Franchise" released it's preview last week. Key moments show Ozzie cursing like a pirate and getting suspended. IT SHOWS HIM GETTING SUSPENDED. Ozzie's reaction in the three minute clip is a chuckle when he is told the news. Classic.

Team Status: 7-7, flashes of greatness, indefinite potential.

Level of Regret in Management: Hard to say. Either elated that the foul mouthed Guillen will make this season of The Franchise better than last (OMG WHAT'S BRIAN WILSON UP TO TODAY!? I BET IT'S REALLLLLY WACKYYY!). Or, they are still nervous as shit, wondering what's going to come out of the man's mouth on national television. The latter? The latter.

Ozzie's Disposition: Based on this preview, happy. He looks happy.

Next Stunt Prediction: I hope at some point he tries to fight a cameraman from the series. That would just make my year.

Until next time.


Friday, 20 April 2012

Drunk-Cast: April 20, 2012

We got drunk again... On this week's drunkcast we talk about Dwight Howard, we get frisky with the NBA playoffs, give a word on the National Hoakey Legion and play some sexy elevator music...


Tuesday, 17 April 2012

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!": One Trophy's Triumphant Story

"How putrid a man," thought the trophy as he lay in a glass case in Ireland. The television was showing a brief piece on a one, Nick Saban, on that afternoon's edition of ESPN Game Day. The trophy still smelled of the polish the craftsman had applied. The trophy was glorious in every aspect of the word. Glorious.

"One day, you'll be given to someone who deserves you and loves you like I do." The craftsman, O'Toole, said. This gave Trophy comfort. The horrid man on the television squealed on about his team, Alabama, and their goal of winning the National Championship. "How disgusting," Trophy reflected.

Monday, 16 April 2012

From the desk of Jon Snow: Toronto Blue Jays Games be Crazy, Yo!

That's right, our field reporter/special guest/favorite bastard Jon Snow is back. He has seen many horrors since we last spoke to him and was also beaten mercilessly by an old wildling man named Craster. He comes to us today with tales of vomit and other depravity from a recent journey to a Toronto Blue Jays game. Enjoy!

By Jon Snow
Special to Drunk Guy Sports

Vomity horror
Watching baseball can get tedious. 

Maybe the pitcher takes forever on the mound. Maybe A-Rod is too busy admiring his own reflection to take a full swing. Maybe the guy in your row is puking into a bag.

Friday, 13 April 2012

Out with the Old and in with the...Old?

Remember peach baskets? "It's your turn to fetch the ball Reginald!"

With the NBA season coming to a close, it's time to start reminiscing about all the fun shit that went down this year.  From Javale Mcgee's antics to Derrick Rose’s injuries, DGS is going nostalgic for a bit until things start to matter again. Playoffs, baby.

Thursday, 12 April 2012

5 Things to Watch This Baseball Season


Now that the season has officially begun, there are a few things we think you should look out this season.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Awww Hell No

So, I was going to post an NHL playoff preview today considering the playoffs are starting and its an exciting thing but then this came to my attention, and completely fucked my whole day up...


All season DGS will be committed to presenting you with all you need to know about Ozzie Guillen's hi-jinks. Will he swear on national television? Will he win a hot-dog eating contest? Honestly, who the hell knows? Stay tuned for the latest and greatest.

Ozzie Guillen apologized for making pro-Fidel comments. The result? A five game suspension will be enforced by the team. I have no idea who this appeases, but I can only assume nobody. The season is less than 10 games in and we already have him giving props to Communist dictators. A five game suspension means shit all here. Ozzie is sympathetic towards the Cuban population of Miami, not ownership. You're in for it, Miami.

The Miami Marlins need find a fan base quick to fill their 500 million dollar stadium. Ozzie's antics may just be the thing they need. However, something tells me this is the wrong direction.

Team Status: Promising

Level of Regret in Management:

Ozzie’s Disposition: Restrained glee, with a hint of regret

Next Stunt Prediction: I would say something involving a hot-air balloon. Not sure why.

Saturday, 7 April 2012

An Open Letter to Andrew Bynum

Dear Andy,

Just a few things we needed to get off of our chest:

Fuck you.

Shut the fuck up and play basketball you primadonna millionaire. It would appear you have accepted the role of the astonishing dickhead no-one expected or wanted. Perhaps throwing the tiny JJ Barea eight feet skyward in your televised attempted murder last year exhilarated you to the extent where you now feel the need to be a fucking asshole in order to be noticed. Isn't that special. However,  we feel you should know that you are sucking up all the cuntiness Kobe needs to survive. If he doesn't get his required dose of being a mutinous asshole there will be a shit storm that not even Helen Hunt could track (Twister,  1996). If you don't save some prickness for the mamba, we're positive you can kiss your hard earned 3rd place goodbye when he realizes YOU are getting away with what he needed six quality years consecutively to pull off. (SIDE NOTE: You've had three quarters of ONE quality year)

So, now that you are becoming the John McEnroe of basketball you better start being funny, or shutting the fuck up. As far as we know, you're about as funny as a bag of pretzels. Boring, salty, and everyone wonders why the fuck people put up with you; encroaching on good things (see any party-mix for more details). There's only so much room for inconsistent, injury-prone douchebags in the world of super-stardom and the magical land of people giving a flying fuck about you. We hope you realize you are one injury from becoming an after-thought once again. Do us all a solid, and shut your trap. Mike Brown should smack your testicles with a car antennae.




Monday, 2 April 2012

Holy Shit, It's a Podcast!

OK, we got wasted.

We actually managed to record a podcast that remained audible for long enough to be considered opinionated. Listen in while we discuss: all things March Madness, our own personal NBA MVPs, The aftermath of the Manning/Tebow situation, pre-season MLB dark-horse picks, our NHL Stanley Cup predictions, and finally, time travel for some reason.    

We apologize in advance...

Saturday, 31 March 2012

There's no Coconut in this Bounty

How did we get here?

The New Orleans Saints, pre-appeal decision, have lost their head coach for the entire 2012 season.  Sean Payton was aware of Gregg William’s bounty system and in Roger Goodell’s NFL, this merits a year long suspension. Is turning a blind-eye to something as implicitly wrong as a system designed to give monetary rewards for inflicting injuries that transcend football enough to forfeit a considerable amount of expertise, and an indefinite but significant number of wins?

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Drunk GM 2

Hi there. I'm your general manager, and I'm wasted. This is where I go onto the trade-machine and have my way with some teams. Wanna see my downstairs business? Play your cards right and I'll send some good players your way... Or call you.



As I start to write this while watching the Philly/NY game Hubie Brown says: "He got beat off the dribble."
Get it? DRIBBLE. Ahhhh you're alright.

 Ok, so I found a bottle of wine behind my house that kind of tastes like poison. The downside is I don't know what exactly is in it. The upside is, I'm drunk.

Pre D'Antoni crucifixion, the talk of the town was GET MELO THE FUCK OUTTA THERE! Even though the Knickerbockers would never do this, pre-D'Antoni-cide or after, I will be. Because, don't you see? I can do whatever I please, you greedy urchins.


Thursday, 15 March 2012

From the desk of The Lakers Nation

We get a lot of fan mail here at DGS.  While we were going through the long list of emails in our inbox, we came across this article written by an anonymous Lakers fan.  We know that you’re upset about the trade…it sucks, we get it.  Anyways, enjoy the emotional reading of a true Lakers fan.

We will miss you D-fish

Dear Derek,

If you are reading this, it means that we are finally over today’s nonsense and coming to terms with what has happened.  You may not know us all too well, but we have been watching from the sidelines for quite some time.  Year after year, we have looked upon you as the leader of our troops, the voice of reason to guide us when times are tough, and the constant reminder of how far heart can get you.  But most importantly, you have become a brother to us, which is why this is the hardest thing we have ever had to write.  Derek Fisher, you will forever be missed in Los Angeles as you leave a Lakers Legend.

Whenever I think of our relationship only one word comes to mind: loyalty.  Fifteen years and counting in the NBA and you’ve spent twelve of them in Los Angeles.  When you decided to leave LA, the time was right and we respected your decision. It’s hard to find a character like yourself that is so loyal to his organization, and we thank you for that. I cannot explain management’s decision to suddenly change its definition of loyalty, but I can tell you this: we will never forget what you have done for us. At the end of the day, we would have five less banners in the Staples Center without you.  No matter what happens, we will always wear our purple and gold number 2 jerseys with pride.

You may not have been the biggest name on our Lakers teams, but you definitely had the biggest heart.  Whether you believe us or not, we idolized you. You were a role model for all of us, showing our community that you should never be afraid to take that shot.  No matter how difficult, you took that shot, with everything on the line, and you took it with pride.   You were always happy and thankful for what you have, and you were never afraid to get emotional to show your love for the game, the team.  Your heroics will always have a special place in our hearts.  You taught us that anything can happen, and that four tenths of a second can change your life.

There really is no easy way to say this to you Derek, but we’re sorry.  We’re sorry for how this had to end.  We’re sorry for getting emotional (like how you got emotional for us) but now, there is this feeling in our gut that we wont be able to replace you, your heart, and your leadership.  We wish you luck no matter where you go, but ask that you always remember us because we will always remember you. 

Mr. 0.4
Unfaithfully yours,

Lakers Fans


Friday, 9 March 2012

NFL Free Agency is a Dirty, Dirty Whore

DGS does not condone or encourage the solicitation of prostitution in any way. But who the fuck are we to tell you how to party. Just don't say we told you to, because that's fucked up guys.

OK, I google image searched for 'prostitute' and this was one of the pictures that came up. How could I say no to Mr.Bean? I clearly couldn't.

It’s that strange time of year where the combine is over and you aren’t an ESPN insider so you can’t see any god damn mock drafts. What do you do? Read rumor after rumor online like the schlub you are. I’m no better, yesterday I refreshed the page three times in a row hoping for new Peyton Manning news. We aren’t bad people, we just need to know, NOW.

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

From the desk of Jon Snow

So we have a new anonymous guest writer here at DGS who uses the pseudonym Jon Snow. ISN'T THAT MYSTERIOUS AND SHIT!? The asexual being that wrote this piece is a good writer I think, so enjoy - but not too much because that's bullshit. I WORK HARD.

From the Desk of Jon Snow:

So mysterious

Wednesday, 29 February 2012


Hello beautiful. I'm your Drunk General Manager. Wanna see my downstairs business?

This is the game where I get drunk and use the Trade Machine to jump all over rumors and my own sick fantasies to create ridiculous trades. Will any of these ever happen? Most likely no, unless a couple GM’s started hitting the sauce on the regular, but who the fuck cares anyway. Don’t tell me how unfair or unlikely these trades are either, I’M THE DRUNK GM, NOT YOU. So if you like looking at hypothetical trades a drunk man entered into a trade generator, stick around, this is right up your alley. TRY AND VETO THIS. Also I don't give a shit about salaries and luxury tax, hence the generator people.

If you play your cards right I might just call you up to discuss things...

Sunday, 5 February 2012

Sooper Facts For Your Dumbass

 Guess what? After over a month of silence, we return. Conveniently, today is the Super Bowl as well. I recently found some sweet facts in regard to some of the people involved in today's big game. They may or may not be complete bullshit... but hey, that's for you to decide!


The two shittiest sports cities with the worst fucking fans on the planet are playing in the Super Bowl today which is horse shit because that means one of those fan bases gets to celebrate yet another championship... spoiled fucks... But I guess the benefit is that the other team has to lose and we can all marvel at a bunch of grown men crying with funny accents. 

Monday, 9 January 2012

Pancakes... The syrupy killer.

Dustin Penner was injured eating pancakes.

What a delicious injury to suffer.

I find that much more appealing than Eric Decker enduring a James Harrison Leg-rape Sandwich.


Whatever, Tebow will just heal his ass.

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Extra! Extra! Baron Davis Suffers From Herniated Dick

I came across this photo online and it may be one of the funniest typo's I have ever seen.  I wish i knew the newspaper this came from.  I can't imagine how difficult and painful this recovery might be, my prayers are with you B Diddy.


Now let me tell you a story...

After spending the last three days in the retirement community of Lake Havasu City, Arizona, I was pretty fucking pumped when we rolled into Vegas. Don’t get me wrong, Havasu was great, I got wasted poolside and made the old locals curse Canadians- but Vegas is Vegas.

Oh, and I had tickets for UFC 141.