Wednesday, 9 May 2012


ll season DGS will be committed to presenting you with all you need to know about Ozzie Guillen's hi-jinks. Will he swear on national television? Will he win a hot-dog eating contest? Honestly, who the hell knows? Stay tuned for the latest and greatest.

"What have I done...?"

I often use the expression, "grow up" sarcastically to friends because 1, I am wildly immature and 2, it amuses me. Ozzie Guillen, however, recently used the phrase to deflect a question regarding his pro-Castro comments from earlier this year. When asked by Houston radio host, Paul Gallant whether the heat has died down in Miami Castro had this to say:

Fucking grow up, motherfucker


This is the kind of stuff that makes us love Ozzie. How dare you ask the man about his spectacular blunder. His quick temper and foul language please me to no end. If Marlins owner, Jeffery Loria ever wanted to buy another team he could just implement a swear jar for Guillen.

Team Status: 15-15, virtually the same place we last saw them. A slow start is slowly morphing into a mediocre season. Still plenty of time, though.

Level of Regret in Management: I could hear Loria slap his forehead into his palm from here. I can picture the conversation now:

Loria: Ozzie why would you say that?!

Ozzie: Say what? What are you talking about?

Loria: You swore at that guy!

Ozzie: Fucking grow up, motherfucker.

Ozzie's Disposition: I have a suspicion that he has already forgot this ever happened. Happy.

Next Stunt Prediction: Last time I predicted him fighting a cameraman. I was kind of close... But I think his next stunt will baseball related. Maybe shoving an umpire? That would be fucking sweet.

Until next time,

Grow up you motherfuckers.



Tuesday, 8 May 2012

An Open Letter To Stephen Ross

Dear Stevie,

Hey pal, how's it goin'? You'd have us all believe it's going just splendid, wouldn't you? Here's what I think. It's not going well, it's been kind of shitty hasn't it? You hired an inept GM who pissed away an offseason and you won't fire him because of some allegiance to Bill Parcells' legacy (that is seriously the only thing I can think of). Why is he still here? Well, I have a couple items to discuss with you about this and more, so put on your best spectacles.

Jeff Fireland didn't just piss away an offseason, sir, HE FUCKED IT UP ROYALLY. Let's look back at the Peyton Manning situation now that we have enough dignity to pull our heads out of the sand. Even if Manning had expressed direct interest in Miami, what negative effect would Brandon Marshall have on the team? Perhaps the two seasons of good behavior and more production than any receiver since OJ McDuffie (respect) weren't any indication of his potential to complement Manning perfectly, OR any young quarterback (like Tannehill) as he has shown with Jay Cutler, Chad Henne and Matt Moore throughout his career. No, no, by all means let him walk for a third round pick. FUCKASS.

Although, we were never close. Manning wouldn't even meet you in Miami. We were left holding our dicks while you made bold promise after broken promise. Are you and Ireland best friends? Why was he allowed to do this? Why did most Dolphins fans think that we had a chance in the Manning-sweepstakes? Then he committed to Denver and it was revealed that WE NEVER HAD A FUCKING SHOT. Oh, shucks, we were real close this time a derp a derp a derp. What the fuck man? Make a statement that shows the respect you need to have for your fan-base that is ever so pissed. Shed some light for us, tell us you are withdrawing from the race for Manning to pursue a more viable option. Something! Anything but getting embarrassed like that. Retain some dignity.

And, what the fuck is Ireland doing? I know it's cliched to criticize a GM and all, but at some point someone has to say, "wow, that guy is actually fucking up large." Matt Flynn goes to Seattle. He actually came to Miami. He actually expressed interest, has NFL experience, and has played for Joe Philbin. Let's let him walk. Let's not try and move up for a higher pick in the draft. Let's sell our best asset, and KEEP our least stable one in Reggie Bush, when we could have sold him high.

Can we not build on the second half of last season? This team could play. I hope to god they can continue to play this year in spite of management. "No one wants to play there," says Ryan Clark of the Steelers. Maybe it's because our GM asks draftees personal questions that have ZERO football or character relevance. Maybe it's because this franchise has been a bastardized version of the proud one we once knew.  Maybe it's because players know they are going to be learning a new system in two years once [INSERT COACH] gets the boot.

Can I say Tannehill was a bad pick? Yes. Were Ireland's hands tied? Yes. But he's the fucking idiot who tied them (I don't know the logistics of this, but it's possible). He put the team in the position where it HAD to draft Tannehill. The kid is a lottery ticket. He could turn out to be a good pick, but right now Ireland is acting on a whim. He has played 19 college games at QB. His talent is undeniable, but neither were Jamrcus Russell's or Akili Smith's at this time. I hope to god he develops into a great player, but I sure as fuck don't want my GM to be spending 8th overall on a whim.

Who knows, maybe he will explode onto the scene al la Cam Newton - but he could also never develop into what we need. Ireland either looks like a genius or somehow worse than he does now when this is over. Why are you letting this man gamble with your team? You say you drafted this kid to sell tickets? When? No one is going to pay or put the Fins on MNF to watch a handsome guy hold a fucking clipboard. Call it what it is: a risky draft pick who needs time and probably won't see action until late season, if at all. STOP DICKING US AROUND! Here's the way I see it: if Tannehill fails, you fail. You let Fireland call the shots for too long and haven't found a stable coach. Don't get me started on how you ruined Sparano, either. You bought an expensive lottery ticket that is either going to take us back to where we need to be, or he busts. If that is the case, you need to either get the fuck out or get Parcells the fuck back in to make some real (and right) decisions.

Relentlessly terrible hirings and picks for well over a decade (barring Parcells) has trudged all of us through endless mediocrity and worse. You can change all of this, Stephen. We all smell like shit and I need to stop cringing when people ask me who my team is. Fireland, and let's move on together, step-by-step. You can change all of this.

Or, at least, blame it on Nick Saban.


Thursday, 3 May 2012

Woe is the Knicks

“0 chance.”

That’s the reply I received after texting my friend today. “Knicks?” is all I said. The two word reply was what I got in return, which was unfortunate because I needed a ride home from the train station.

The Knicks are in trouble. All fire extinguisher punching aside, the Knicks’ problems are more than glass-sliced skin deep. Melo entered the playoffs as the hottest scorer in the NBA, Tyson Chandler might have stolen defensive player of the year with his game in the last month of the season, Shumpert and the supporting cast were playing inspired ball, and Jeremy Lin was seemingly unnecessary.

Looks can be deceiving.