Sunday, 18 December 2011


Let’s act like we’re being original here.


Tebow, dammit that shit is getting old. It’s become official and every sports source is proof. Timothy “The Jesus” “Son of God” “Love thy neighbour” “Jus try an’ crucify me again, bitch” Tebow has been winning games in the fuckiest ways possible. There has been an uncomfortable amount of fourth quarter comebacks and 50+ yard field goals. All the man does is win. He may be a disgrace to the game and the position when he goes 2 for 12 with 50 yards and somehow wins, but is that not the point here? Winning games?

Sure, he lost to the Lions in his second start this season; but they weren’t running the option style offense they have been winning with for over month at that point, and for good reason. KYLE ORTON IS DRUNKER THAN A HOMELESS MAN ON CHRISTMAS AND TEBOW THROWS LIKE A PROSTITUTE THAT YOU PAID IN CHANGE (AW WHAT THE FUCK ASSHOLE, WHY YOU GIVING ME THIS SHIT IMMA CUT THE SKIN BATWEEN YO DEICK AND ASS OWFF AND MAKE A NEW PURSE UNLESS YOUS PAY MY ASS IN BIIIILLS YOU HOGIE EATIN BAASTAAD)

Note: I imagine every prostitute being hard as fuck and having a Boston accent, makes them hotter.

John Fox found himself in a tough situation. Being a new coach with an alcoholic as a starting quarterback and every time you leave your house you see billboards advertising your third string quarterback, who ran an option in college because he cannot make plays with his arm at the NFL level.

John Fox’s thoughts in October:

“Okay, okay think... Well Orton smells like a fucking monster truck rally and he asked my wife yesterday if she wanted ‘mack out,’ so he’s gotta go. Hmmm... Brady Quinn as our starting quarterback? Jesus fuck that can’t happen, he asks me if that throw “was hot” after every pass. And I don’t like how he stares at me when he lifts weights either; not to mention I’m pretty sure that anonymous post card I got that was a picture of two horses banging that said ‘Let’s fuck like Broncos, John.’ was from his creepy ass. Aw god dammit I just got fired in Carolina, I don’t need this psycho shit. Why am I cursed with these carnival folk at quarterback. Maybe I’ll just retire early; let’s chuck Tebow in there... Run an option. Yeah, that’ll muck my shit up and they'll finally send me home.”

I'm so tired, I just want to lay down... What time does JAG start?

WRONG, FOX. Dead wrong.

You happened to have a number of mistakes if you were hypothetically planning on using Tebow to lose, as I imagine you were. There are three mistakes specifically:

1. Defense

The Broncos have established one of the best defensive units in the league. This isn’t a new thing either. The team has had a decent defensive unit for years with Champ Bailey, John Lynch, DJ Williams, Bill “Hunt a Boar” Romanowski, and more recently: Bryan Dawkins, Briderick Bunkley (fuck me that man is gigantic and terrifying), Elvis Dumervil, and rookie sensation Von Miller. However, Denver’s defense has finally appeared to put it all together. They aren’t a tippy-top statistical defense like those stat-padding Jets (#1 shit-talking and eating M&Ms), or Pittsburgh who supports James Harrison’s actions of being a cannon-ball of rage that (I presume) would kill a man with his bare hand (not a typo, he only needs one hand) if you asked him for the time.

They have been great against the pass for years and now the combo of Miller and Dumervil supply the pressure off of the edge that helps the back end. Miller, who was drafted 2nd overall this past draft, has been an absolute BEAST. He looks like he is going to dominate for years at a Lawrence Taylor-esque level, displaying more raw talent than Terrell Suggs and a young Shawn Merriman without the non-sensical shit talking and PEDs. Additionally, Broderick Bunkley and linebacker DJ Williams have proven to be effective run stoppers, completing a very inconspicuous defense.

This group of heros keep Tebow in every game despite his noodle-armed throws which either end up in the dirt, or like 30 rows into the fucking stands smacking a drunk mountain woman in the face and/or uterus carrying an unborn 8th child. GOD DAMN THAT TOSS ALMOST KNOCKED THIS FETUS RIGHT OUTTA ME! GOD BLESS YOU TEBOW FOR THROWING YOUR SAUCER PASSES SKYWARD LIKE A MATT LEINART WITH MORALS. I’LL NAME THIS CHILD TIM 2.

2. Running Game

The Broncos have been just raping the rock up and down the field. Their offensive line should be given the congressional medal of honor and an honorable discharge after this season because they have been working like fucking dogs. Willis “Sup 2003” McGahee is running rampant behind this line, and Timothy himself has been ripping some strolls that have made the Jets and Raiders piss their panties in rage.

And just what the fuck is a microwave son?

McGahee’s rebirth, along with Tebow’s strangely effective ability to keep defenses honest, has led to some ridiculously open receivers and gaping running lanes that has made me yell “AND WHERE’S THE DEFENSE?!” more than I would like to. The Broncos running game winds down the clock better than almost any I have seen. They just grind defenses down in a way that is either a revelation of testosterone (we’re gonna jam this down your throat in the most rapey, offensive way possible) or a testament about Tebow’s throwing prowess (alright, let’s all run 1s... You can throw a 1, right Tim?).

For Denver, a 3rd and 4 is a play action that turns into Tebow running through 9 sets of progressions including the ice-cream guy in the fifth row before he takes off, running seven yards in the whitest, most unexciting way possible, trying to lower a shoulder on a free safety who inevitably stands him up and the two bump around for a second before a bunch of other defenders come and smack the fuck out of Tebow who, according NFL Network Sound FX, congradufuckinglates the tacklers. God that’s a piss off.

Either way, there is a serious running game here that teams have been struggling to handle for weeks now. The Broncos are a prime example of how the old-school, pre arcade style 700 passing touchdown era of playing defense and running the clock and ball can win games. Denver isn’t a new show staring Tim Tebow, it’s the oldest fucking show ever staring whichever decrepit monkey skeleton you want who can’t make big league throws so the team reverts back to ol’reliable, show (Tim Allen’s new show..?). This system seems outdated only because it is so readily abandoned by today’s NFL teams who feel an obligation to score in under two minutes.

The basketball games we watch on Sundays are very different than the running, fuck-you in the face, football we saw not just five or ten years ago. Eddie George, Ricky Williams, Terrell Davis, Jamal Anderson, Marshall Faulk, and Eddgerin James were backs that pounded the ball in most of our lifetimes. The NFL product has simply moved away from the droning smash-mouth football that let running backs earn their pricey keep. Today we just want to see Aaron Rodgers throw a 110 MPH fastball past six defenders while some receiver, who is one out of the 12 he completed passes to that game, breaks both his hands catching the flaming football for a 800 yard touchdown (that may be an exaggeration). The Denver Broncos, however, have decided to subject us to a run-first game once again; which is either commendable or huge piss off depending on how you look at it.

All I know is that some glorified tight-end named Tim will eventually run into the endzone ruining my Pro-Line, which makes me crave the bullshit no-defense football we watch every week just out of pure disgust. When this type of team works, there is no beating it. There isn’t the “score last” strategy where both teams score in 30 seconds and the last team to get the ball kicks a field goal to win 100-97, because when a team can run; and only run, they run the fucking shit out of the clock and destroy any momentum an offense may have had while molesting the game clock (picture a disgusting man jamming a dildo through a stopwatch... It’s kind of like that, but real). An opposing team with an inconsistent offense and a stout defense can’t beat this either. A team like Denver has a defense that is usually playing out of their minds, which means that the offense will eventually get good enough field position to score. In Denver’s case, they can score either by throwing goofy wobbly jesus balls in the air that a couple of receivers, that I feel terrible for, will fight for like a goat being lowered into a raptor-pen; or they will have have a good fucking kicker.

3. Matt Prater

This man cannot miss a field goal. His clutchness makes me sick. Overtime or seconds left, it doesn’t matter because it seems that Matt Prater is being paid in hookers and Dr. Scholl's by the way he has been playing. He has been a huge part of this Denver team’s success. I don’t know what the hell it is, but this man has been booting 50-yard field goals with 20 yards of extra leg; he’s got a fucking corked boot or something because that shit flies outta there.

For a team like Denver that relies heavily on field position, a kicker who can kick a man’s head clean off of his shoulders is a very, very useful player. “Oh, you gonna turn the ball over at mid-field? That’s fine, this guy here has popped a football with his foot... just so he could watch it die.”

The Antichrist

Tebow is a fucker. I am one of the biggest believers in the NFL and trend setting. If the league moves one way, you need to conform or die. The god damn option cannot be found anywhere in today’s NFL aside from the demo on what NOT to base a team around. Gimmicks and unconventionality don’t work simply because of the level of talent and incredible preparation in the NFL (see the “Wildcat” formation for more info). This trend that has been started by these Broncos may have been enough to earn themselves a playoff spot, but my god will they eat shit when it counts.

How do you beat a run first, good defense, clock draining team?

First, dissolve their running style (is it pound, stretch, etc.). Denver’s style? Option power (it’s like when you puke and shit at the same time, it’s kind of cool but fucking gross ultimately). How do you beat the option? With team speed. A sound base that allows backers to flow and an aggressive secondary that can cause disruptions in the box are characteristics of these defenses. EHHHOOO: Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Houston! Examples of three AFC teams that have the means to poop on Tebow’s parade just based on their defensive abilities.

Second way to beat a team that is built like Denver: outmatch them at their own game. Just hold them out longer than they can hold you. This is the reason why New England will ookie cookie on Denver’s preaching this week. Not because New England will be able to stop Denver’s run game, and not because they will establish a demoralizing run game themselves. New England’s defense is a clown college and their run game has been like Devry College all year (yah, it exists, but who really wants to use it?). New England’s offense is probably the best in the league. Green Bay and New Orleans can score in 50 seconds, but New England has this way about them where they manage to methodically move the ball down the field with quick passes and white people (ISN’T IT WEIRD?! BOSTON. 100 GOOD WHITE RECEIVERS. RIGHT? RIIIGHT? Racism).  Gronkowski, Welker, and Henrnandez are ball vacuums and Tommy Faggy zips the ball in every game, even if his period is bothering him. They have an innate ability to suck up the clock and then score meaningful points when they want. I think this is going to put the Broncos down enough to make any divine intervention unhelpful, that is unless Tebow develops magic throwing skills mid-game. John Elway will be shivering in his grave after this one... Oh wait he’s alive, so he’ll probably just be sitting there trying to figure out how to kill Josh McDaniels without being caught.

Bad draft picks make me so fucking stabby

But who the hell knows. I’ve been sitting around every week saying that THIS was the week Tebow ate shit. Not since Detroit, not since this fucking Broncos renaissance started have I been right. I HAVE PREDICTED HIM TO LOSE EVERY WEEK SINCE. Maybe it’s just out of principle or something that I bet against the man, but fuck he cannot stop winning. That’s why if he pulls one out this week I’ll laugh it off, because Tom Brady is a bi-sexual dingus, one, and Tebow is actually fun as shit to root for, two. The man has no business winning but he pulls the shit out somehow, it makes me laugh once I stop being pissed about my bets. We all just sit there wondering what the hell is going on. Maybe what is going on in Denver is real...      

Or maybe Tebow is Jesus Jr.

Whichever is more believable.

1 comment:

  1. It was just luck. Bet big on Brady because they were the first stable team to play DEN.