Friday, 9 December 2011



If you can't recall, I made some shit-housed predictions a couple months ago that turned out horribly. I could make the excuse that I was drunk, but I won't. I meant what I said.  At the time they sounded good, but now I can see why people laugh when I tell them I want a bookie (I only have two kneecaps).
My predictions are also pissed on

I haven't won a fucking Pro-Line in 2 years so why should this be any different. Here's a quick recap:

1. The Houston Texans

God damn injuries are making me look like an ass over here. Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson have- or will be- missing extended time this season.  I feel like I'm at Ikea without an allen-key... USELESS!

Prediction #1: Win AFC South

Weeellll it seems that Peyton Manning has either been playing with a JV team or Curtis Painter is a smorgasbord of shit. The Colts are actually so bad that THIS is happening... Tebow Christ that's bad. The Jags are terrible, and the Titans had their chance but slipped back into irrelevancy- enter Houston. The AFC South HAS to be the Texans, in a few weeks this will be mathematically true and I'll feel better about the rest of my god awful picks.

Prediction #2: Win Superbowl

Gaaah fuck me. TJ Yates is no Trent Dilfer if you know what I'm sayin. I can't see this #1 ranked Houston defense taking this team to a championship, let alone past the 2nd round of the playoffs. The Ravens and Steelers play hard ball like the Texans AND have fairly consistent offenses. These teams also have proven to be winners in the playoffs and I can see Houston folding when it gets into the nitty-gritty (see the 2011 Atlanta Falcons). But if the Texans do manage to pull this out, I'm the man.

I didn't include the Pats above because I actually see this as an ideal match-up for the Texans. The revolving door known as a defense that New England fields a few times a game would actually be ripe for Arian and the boys to bitch-slap like one of The Nature Boys's opponents (WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!).

However, the AFC has shown that it has some balls and is going to beat the fucking piss out of each other. Honestly, whoever makes it to the Superbowl is going to earn it in blood and Tebow tears.

2. The NBA

Prediction #1: A Large Portion of the Season is Lost

A month is kind of long, right? From 82 to 66 is a bunch of games too. But still, I thought that it would be at the least a half-season that would end in LeBron lighting the Larry O'Brien trophy on fire while the Anti-Christ rolls out of his asshole screaming. But it IS a lot of games, so I gotta give myself some credit.

Prediction #2: The Entire Season is Lost

At the time it seemed to me that this was super obvious. The owners and the player's association were incredibly far apart. I just felt like the overall immaturity and ignorance would ruin any talks (as it did for 2 months) and the season would go down the shitter to be feasted on by alligators and trolls. But these fuckers miraculously pulled it out. Over night it seemed, these guys made a deal happen. There was never talk of them closing in, or them making progress, or even fucking agreeing on one god damn item; we all felt like they were just showing up to this boardroom and throwing beer bottles at each other.

Thinking about it now, it would have been especially tragic to lose this season after the great season we saw last year.  The league did the right thing and moved forward; letting their momentum ride for once. Although, they are sure trying to fuck THAT up again...

3. The Milwaukee Brewers

Prediction #1: NL Champs

So fucking close... Makes me a little sick. They took it to game 7 and couldn't get it done. Why can't a team named after alcohol ever win?

Prediction #2: World Series Champs

This kind of speaks for itself. They lost to the eventual champs in 7 games and I barfed in my mouth when Nelson Cruz misread that fly ball to left-field. You had a good run Milwaukee, maybe one day we can be friends again. In the meantime give the Jays fucking Prince Fielder.

New Predictions? 

Jeez don't twist my arm...

1. The NBA

Prediction #1: The Miami Heat Will Finish First in the East

Has to happen. They are a regular season team, they get up for the meaningless stat-padding games that make them sell jerseys and win awards. They are going to ride some momentum from last year's collapse and win a shit-ton of games. LeBron is going to have his best season yet, and D-Wade is going to be typical D-Wade. Chicago, Boston, and New York won't streak quite as well as Miami and will probably fall in behind them in that order.

Prediction #2: The Miami Heat Will NOT Win the Championship

Even if LeBron solves his playoffs woes there are still some bridges to be crossed here. The Heat have no bench (the addition of Shane Battier helps, but is by no means a remedy for Mike Miller, 200 year-old Mike Bibby, and whoever the hell else is supposed to be coming off of the bench for that team). No one there can play a role and get the greasy shit done when it needs to be done (see Tyson Chandler, JJ Barea, and Shawn Marion for more details).

Not only that, but teams are getting better. Carmelo and Amare have another year together... those two have been conveniently quiet this off season, don't you think? Boston is an oldy but a goody. Atlanta made some serious progress last season. Orlando and LA are both contenders; Dwight may be traded to New Jersey apparently which would immediately make them a contender with him and Deron, also, LA had/has/might get/was given then taketh away/sniped/butt-fucked/shit on by the league when CP3 was reneged. Either way, LA will always be a contender. We can't forget Dallas here either; they are definitely the team that beat the Heat to win the championship'n'junk... Mark Cuban pissed with trophy in hand as well... THE CUBES!
That trophy is such a bird-watcher

 Finally, the main reason the Heat won't win: OKC

Prediction #3: The Oklahoma City Thunder Win Their First Championship

Durant, Westbrook, Perkins, Harden, Sefolosha, Ibaka, Cook, Robinson. Durant will lead the league in scoring once again and is a walking, talking heat-check. Russell Westbrook was 22 years old last season and averaged over 21 ppg with over 8 apg; and he's only going to get better. Kendrick Perkins won a championship with Boston. Why do you think the Boston players were so upset when he was traded? He fucking brings it. He is a presence down-low and he plays hard for his team. For a young team like OKC his game is perfect, he'll rebound, and he'll defend when they stretch themselves thin. Also, I am 100% convinced that James Harden on any other team would average 20+ ppg. He has all the intangibles to be an allstar, but he often than takes a back seat so that Durant and Westbrook can run the show, but, when he decides to turn it on... MY GOD. The rest are great character guys who are going to sell out for their team and believe in the system. Ibaka and Sefolosha especially are guys who are huuuuge defensively for OKC and will make a big difference down the stretch.

2. The NFL

Fuck this season has been tricky. It's hard to make a prediction other than: "Green Bay will win" or "Tebow will pray," but something has to be said.

Prediction #1: New England Wins the AFC Championship

Timmy Faggy will pin-point pass his way through the Steelers' defense en route to another Superbowl birth while we all puke our guts out in disgust yelling WHY TEBOW, WHYYYY! (in case you haven't realized yet, Tim Tebow has replaced God/Jesus). Their impressive decision to not play defense makes me upset especially when they can still manage to win by 20 points. HAS ANYONE ELSE NOTICED THAT BOSTON OF ALL PLACES HAS LIKE 8 REALLY GOOD WHITE PLAYERS? SOMETHING'S GOING ON.

Prediction #2: NFC Champions......Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... NEW ORLEANS 'NOT THE GOD DAMN PACKERS' SAINTS!

That's right. Let it sink in. Now before you mail me a bomb, hear me out.
When was the last time Green Bay's "perfect season" was in jeopardy? You probably don't remember. That's because it was Thursday night of Week One. The Packers and Saints literally scored the shit out of each other while we all went "OH FUCK THE NFL IS STILL AWESOME!"

One yard.

One yard and a conversion, and the Packers would never have been in ANY undefeated talks. Drew Brees is playing better than anyone who isn't named Aaron Rodgers and the New Orleans defense has come a long way from the Marshawn Lynch face-fucking from last year's playoffs. How do you beat a team that can score in 50 seconds? Score slowly. The Saints running game can wind down a clock better than anyone else (Ingram, Thomas, and Sproles) and is retardedly good at screen-passes and third-down conversions. This will keep Rodgers off the field for as long as possible and I think that if their defense can make a couple stops; we have an upset on our hands.
3. Euro 2012

Just kidding.


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