Wednesday, 29 February 2012


Hello beautiful. I'm your Drunk General Manager. Wanna see my downstairs business?

This is the game where I get drunk and use the Trade Machine to jump all over rumors and my own sick fantasies to create ridiculous trades. Will any of these ever happen? Most likely no, unless a couple GM’s started hitting the sauce on the regular, but who the fuck cares anyway. Don’t tell me how unfair or unlikely these trades are either, I’M THE DRUNK GM, NOT YOU. So if you like looking at hypothetical trades a drunk man entered into a trade generator, stick around, this is right up your alley. TRY AND VETO THIS. Also I don't give a shit about salaries and luxury tax, hence the generator people.

If you play your cards right I might just call you up to discuss things...

Finally, my good pal Josh will be analyzing my trades like the vulturous shit-hawk he is, so please spare me your criticism.

Let’s see what I came up with this week.

Here's a blockbuster trade. By blockbuster I mean that New Jersey is going to be getting the fuck out of contention for many years, possibly eternity. Here's a quick breakdown:

To LA: Deron Williams, Carlos Boozer
To Chicago: Pau Gasol
To New Jersey: Steve Blake, Matt Barnes, Andrew Goudelock, Ronnie Brewer

This trade is basically Chicago and LA teaming to up to strip New Jersey of all dignity like it's pants were caught in a bike chain and were torn off in front of a bunch of screaming girls. But, it is also awesome for a number of reasons.

LA Lakers 

Starting 5: Williams, Bryant, Artest, Boozer, Bynum

This is a truly disgusting starting five. The back court is possibly the best 1-2 punch the league has ever seen (MOVE OVER JASON WILLIAMS/DOUG CHRISTIE!). The classic Utah pick and pop with Deron and Boozer would be back in full force, and Carlos doesn't have to face the additional pressure of being a consistent scorer on a good team- sticking to what he's been good at historically. Williams seems to mesh well with anyone who isn't named Jerry Sloan, and this veteran Lakers squad should be no different. Kobe would have less weight on his shoulders with the presence of Deron, who can also effectively set up and feed Bynum- something Fisher and Blake seem to forget is an option at times. Shoot more 3s fellas. This would equal a championship in 3 years minimum or else the team would implode hilariously when Kobe Bryant stabs Mike Brown to death with his sharpened MVP trophy. Hilarious.

Chicago Bulls

Starting 5: Rose, Hamilton, Deng, Gasol, Noah

Nothing drastic is missing from this Bulls team here expect Brewer's defense and decent scoring when called upon. I also heard he gives really good high-fives... You will be missed Ronnie. Gasol brings better scoring to an already loaded bulls team. Noah won't have to Frisbee in any shots if Hamilton and Deng can stay healthy, he can stick to banging the boards and having a sweet pony-tail. With this lineup the Bulls are a more complete contender and have the man-power to slow down those fuckers in South Beach with rebounding and Derrick Rose's humbleness (seriously, people need to get something new to say about the guy. OH HE'S SO HUMBLE AND HE'S ONLY 23! Stop rewarding him for acting normally. You don't have to reward a successful young person every time they don't act like a pissy-brat. Fuckers.).

New Jersey Nets
Uh oh

Starting 5: *AHEM* umm... Blake...(Maybe Farmar?), Brooks... (Maybe Brewer?), Barnes, Kardashian, probably Okur with all the money he's getting... But hopefully Lopez...

Very ouch baby. This trade puts them in the shitter, no doubt about. However, if you look on the bright side MarShon Brooks is playing great ball as a rookie and you've cleared plenty of cap room to sign your next 5 lottery picks (har har). Also, did I mention: STEVE BLAKE! Yah, there's no way around this one. Sorry Joisy.

We are all now dumber for reading this trade. I hate you for writing this.
1. Don't tease a Lakers fan with this bullshit. It is impossible for a GM to ever be this self destructive. This would be running New Jersey into the ground for all time and I don't think the future leader of Russia would allow that. Piece of shit.
2. Deron wants to play for Dallas. Boozer and Gasol aren't as interchangeable as you think. I'm sure the thought of trading someone named BOOZER got you all hot-to-trot but it's not that cut and paste when you consider giving up a good bench player like Brewer. Piece of shit.


Steve Nash is dying people. A slow and painful death out in the desert. We need to save him now. This is what I propose. It's actually not terrible, unless you are Phoenix... Or New Orleans. Here's the trade:

To Phoenix: Jason Kidd, Emeka Okafor
To Dallas: Steve Nash, Eric Gordon, Marcin Gortat
To New Orleans: Jason Terry, Josh Childress


Phoenix Suns

Starting 5: Kidd, Redd, Hill, Warrick, Okafor

Holy macral! That is an old starting lineup. At any point 1-3 could break a hip or die. Then we have two busts in the front court. This is a hilarious team of "what if's". I personally love it. I'm not sure I could watch more than 10 minutes of these guys trying to keep up with any good team, but maaaan... So basically this team is fucked.

Dallas Mavericks

Starting 5: Nash, Gordon, Marion/Odom, Nowitzki, Gortat

Here is what their championship team SHOULD have looked like. Not JJ Barea running rampant like a tiny rogue bear. There is complete scoring from all angles, decent enough defense, rebounding and mismatches all over the place. This trade makes me smile. The chemistry in this lineup would be just delightful. I can't stress enough how, Nash and Nowitzki, the two super-best friends ever are back together, PLUS Shawn Marion with Nash again, PLUS Gortat is still with Nash, PLUS Eric Gordan is good at stuff too! Think of the chemistry! It's like if Sir Isaac Newton had a wet dream while sleeping next to a Bunsen burner that Ernest Rutherford was using to heat a shit ton of Uranium. CHEMISTRY BABY... I can't believe you aren't thinking about all this chemistry.

Hmm... Yes... This blue liquid is definitely something... CHEMISTRY!
 New Orleans Hornets

I'm so sad only one tear came out

Starting 5: Jack, Terry/Belinelli, Childress/Ariza, Landry, Kaman

Yesh. Sorry Chris Kaman. This team is the polar opposite of the other two results of this trade. I'm very, very sad looking at this team. If we tell ourselves it's for the good of Steve Nash it won't feel so bad. At least the Phoenix team was going to be OK... or at least funny to watch, this is bad. Veto bad. OH WAIT.  Fucking league.

I guess a drunk person can dream.

Its like your writing this just to piss me off.  First you tease me with LA getting Deron, and now your telling me you want to make Dallas better? Fuck you drunk GM, this trade is shit and David Stern would veto this trade faster than LeBron's receding hairline.
1) I highly doubt the state of Arizona would welcome back Jason Kidd after his abuse charge while he was playing there...
2) Why did you even need to include New Orleans? Throw in Brendan Haywood's 10 mill a year or even Odom's contract since he's playing like crap and the cap works between Dallas and Phoenix. Do you just love watching the world burn?
4) Isiah Thomas seems like a better GM than you at this point

Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson today: drinking solves everything. Also, the NBA should be reduced to 10 teams who are completely stacked and become super entertaining. And just like Puff Daddy once said: It's all in about the benjaminsss baaaaby. I'm not 100% sure how that relates but I know it does.

Just remember: I don't give a fuck what you think of these trades. Go make your own, mine are too good for you anyway. Leave me alone. DRUNK GM OUT!

Chemistry shout out:

Gotta love that chemistry.

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