Sunday, 5 February 2012

Sooper Facts For Your Dumbass

 Guess what? After over a month of silence, we return. Conveniently, today is the Super Bowl as well. I recently found some sweet facts in regard to some of the people involved in today's big game. They may or may not be complete bullshit... but hey, that's for you to decide!

Fact #1: Eli Manning once picked a dog up by it's hind legs and pushed it around like a vacuum cleaner

He is truly history's greatest monster.

Fact #2: Madonna took Eli Manning's virginity

That's right, the hag laid pipe on the young Manning. I could only be speculating here (I am), but I believe it was 1967 in De Nang.

Eli was a young GI fighting for his country. He stumbled upon a cavern deep within the Vietnamese jungle. There laid a tomb, a stone casket. On the front there were very clear instructions: 'DO NOT OPEN, THOU SHALT FEEL THE WRATH OF BABYLON'. Drunk on the blood his fallen comrades, Eli tore open the tomb. With a burst of foul mist reeking of London Gin and Salmon the hag emerged from her slumber. She laid her lust filled eyes on the terrified young man. She then proceeded to attack his genitalia like a gardener starting a lawnmower. The young GI fainted from the pain and excitement of it all.

And with that, Madonna, the Hag of Babylon, was released on the world to rape and plunder and penetrate our ear drums with English cackles and screeches. Now, she's here to fuck up the Super Bowl. Damn you, Eli Manning. But really, what the fuck can we expect from a guy who once pushed a dog around like a god damn vacuum cleaner. 

Fact #3: Rob Gronkowski failed Spanish


Fact #4: Tom Coughlin is Gollum's stunt double in the upcoming 'The Hobbit' film.

Fact #5: Tom Brady wears Uggs to bed

Of course he does... The guy probably has a pair for every mood he's in.

Fact #6: Tom Brady and Bill Belichick like to ride a tandem bicycle together

One hot summer day in Massachusetts, Tom Brady's phone rang. "Tom! You have to come outside now!"

"Who is this?"

"It's Bill! Tom, quick come outside!"

So Tom Brady tossed on his morning Uggs and ran downstairs. Outside was his best buddy Bill Belichick. To most he was a monotone, grumpy, disassociated asshole; but to Tom, he was a friend. Bill was standing there wearing a bright blue Hawaiian shirt with a look a pure glee smeared across his normally sad, amorphous face. "What's up Bill?"

At the question Belichick merely giggled and grabbed Brady's arm pulling him as he began to gallop like an excited rabbit in the other direction. The two ran for at least 10 minutes before they finally reached the their destination, The Old Johnson Family Barn. It had been abandoned for years, and sometimes the local teenagers would drink there at night, causing a ruckus. The paint was peeling on the outside and all the windows were either smashed in or boarded up. It was a place that scared Tom, Gisele had told him to stay away because bad people would hurt him there, and one time Randy Moss told him that it was haunted.

"INSIDE!" Bill yelled as he ran towards the door. Tom was unsure, he was afraid of the barn. "It's alright, Tom, the barn isn't haunted... Randy was just fucking with you about that."

Once they entered, Tom saw the reason for the abrupt awakening, it truly could not wait. There, pressed against the North wall of the barn, was a bright red Schwinn bicycle. Not just any bicycle, it had two seats.

"A fucking TANDEM BIKE!?" Boggled Brady

"OOHHH YA!" Replied Belichick as he picked up the dusty bike. "I found it when I came here to laugh the other night."

"It's... It's... WONDERFUL!" Tom gushed.

That summer was the greatest of their lives... The two men rode that bike everyday, and went everywhere. They even bought a side-cart for Wes Welker, who was feeling left out. So the three of them would wave at passers by, and get ice cream together every evening. Gisele would have to call Tom before it got too late, because their adventures would often lead them to stay out all hours, getting into trouble. That bike almost made them forget what had happened. They had lost, their perfect season was over, and they would probably never have the chance again. But, they all knew that, for at least that summer, that bike- WAS PERFECT.

Fuck the Pats.


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