An Open Letter to Andrew Bynum

Dear Andy,

Just a few things we needed to get off of our chest:

Fuck you.

Shut the fuck up and play basketball you primadonna millionaire. It would appear you have accepted the role of the astonishing dickhead no-one expected or wanted. Perhaps throwing the tiny JJ Barea eight feet skyward in your televised attempted murder last year exhilarated you to the extent where you now feel the need to be a fucking asshole in order to be noticed. Isn't that special. However,  we feel you should know that you are sucking up all the cuntiness Kobe needs to survive. If he doesn't get his required dose of being a mutinous asshole there will be a shit storm that not even Helen Hunt could track (Twister,  1996). If you don't save some prickness for the mamba, we're positive you can kiss your hard earned 3rd place goodbye when he realizes YOU are getting away with what he needed six quality years consecutively to pull off. (SIDE NOTE: You've had three quarters of ONE quality year)

So, now that you are becoming the John McEnroe of basketball you better start being funny, or shutting the fuck up. As far as we know, you're about as funny as a bag of pretzels. Boring, salty, and everyone wonders why the fuck people put up with you; encroaching on good things (see any party-mix for more details). There's only so much room for inconsistent, injury-prone douchebags in the world of super-stardom and the magical land of people giving a flying fuck about you. We hope you realize you are one injury from becoming an after-thought once again. Do us all a solid, and shut your trap. Mike Brown should smack your testicles with a car antennae.

Sincerely,

DGS


P.S. GET THE FUCK IN THE HUDDLE

Holy Shit, It's a Podcast!

OK, we got wasted.

We actually managed to record a podcast that remained audible for long enough to be considered opinionated. Listen in while we discuss: all things March Madness, our own personal NBA MVPs, The aftermath of the Manning/Tebow situation, pre-season MLB dark-horse picks, our NHL Stanley Cup predictions, and finally, time travel for some reason.    

We apologize in advance...

There's no Coconut in this Bounty

How did we get here?

The New Orleans Saints, pre-appeal decision, have lost their head coach for the entire 2012 season.  Sean Payton was aware of Gregg William’s bounty system and in Roger Goodell’s NFL, this merits a year long suspension. Is turning a blind-eye to something as implicitly wrong as a system designed to give monetary rewards for inflicting injuries that transcend football enough to forfeit a considerable amount of expertise, and an indefinite but significant number of wins?

Drunk GM 2

Hi there. I'm your general manager, and I'm wasted. This is where I go onto the trade-machine and have my way with some teams. Wanna see my downstairs business? Play your cards right and I'll send some good players your way... Or call you.

I'M DRUNK AGAIN?

Yes.

As I start to write this while watching the Philly/NY game Hubie Brown says: "He got beat off the dribble."
Get it? DRIBBLE. Ahhhh you're alright.

 Ok, so I found a bottle of wine behind my house that kind of tastes like poison. The downside is I don't know what exactly is in it. The upside is, I'm drunk.

Pre D'Antoni crucifixion, the talk of the town was GET MELO THE FUCK OUTTA THERE! Even though the Knickerbockers would never do this, pre-D'Antoni-cide or after, I will be. Because, don't you see? I can do whatever I please, you greedy urchins.

EEEEEEEEEEHHH!?

From the desk of The Lakers Nation

We get a lot of fan mail here at DGS.  While we were going through the long list of emails in our inbox, we came across this article written by an anonymous Lakers fan.  We know that you’re upset about the trade…it sucks, we get it.  Anyways, enjoy the emotional reading of a true Lakers fan.

We will miss you D-fish

Dear Derek,

If you are reading this, it means that we are finally over today’s nonsense and coming to terms with what has happened.  You may not know us all too well, but we have been watching from the sidelines for quite some time.  Year after year, we have looked upon you as the leader of our troops, the voice of reason to guide us when times are tough, and the constant reminder of how far heart can get you.  But most importantly, you have become a brother to us, which is why this is the hardest thing we have ever had to write.  Derek Fisher, you will forever be missed in Los Angeles as you leave a Lakers Legend.

Whenever I think of our relationship only one word comes to mind: loyalty.  Fifteen years and counting in the NBA and you’ve spent twelve of them in Los Angeles.  When you decided to leave LA, the time was right and we respected your decision. It’s hard to find a character like yourself that is so loyal to his organization, and we thank you for that. I cannot explain management’s decision to suddenly change its definition of loyalty, but I can tell you this: we will never forget what you have done for us. At the end of the day, we would have five less banners in the Staples Center without you.  No matter what happens, we will always wear our purple and gold number 2 jerseys with pride.

You may not have been the biggest name on our Lakers teams, but you definitely had the biggest heart.  Whether you believe us or not, we idolized you. You were a role model for all of us, showing our community that you should never be afraid to take that shot.  No matter how difficult, you took that shot, with everything on the line, and you took it with pride.   You were always happy and thankful for what you have, and you were never afraid to get emotional to show your love for the game, the team.  Your heroics will always have a special place in our hearts.  You taught us that anything can happen, and that four tenths of a second can change your life.

There really is no easy way to say this to you Derek, but we’re sorry.  We’re sorry for how this had to end.  We’re sorry for getting emotional (like how you got emotional for us) but now, there is this feeling in our gut that we wont be able to replace you, your heart, and your leadership.  We wish you luck no matter where you go, but ask that you always remember us because we will always remember you. 

Mr. 0.4

Unfaithfully yours,

Lakers Fans


JTU

NFL Free Agency is a Dirty, Dirty Whore

DGS does not condone or encourage the solicitation of prostitution in any way. But who the fuck are we to tell you how to party. Just don't say we told you to, because that's fucked up guys.

OK, I google image searched for 'prostitute' and this was one of the pictures that came up. How could I say no to Mr.Bean? I clearly couldn't.

It’s that strange time of year where the combine is over and you aren’t an ESPN insider so you can’t see any god damn mock drafts. What do you do? Read rumor after rumor online like the schlub you are. I’m no better, yesterday I refreshed the NFL.com page three times in a row hoping for new Peyton Manning news. We aren’t bad people, we just need to know, NOW.

From the desk of Jon Snow

So we have a new anonymous guest writer here at DGS who uses the pseudonym Jon Snow. ISN'T THAT MYSTERIOUS AND SHIT!? The asexual being that wrote this piece is a good writer I think, so enjoy - but not too much because that's bullshit. I WORK HARD.


From the Desk of Jon Snow:

So mysterious