Saturday, 10 September 2011

Shit-Housed Predictions

If there are two things you should know about me it’s that I always pick retarded upsets, and I always make even more retarded bets about these upset picks. That is why I have decided the following:
Prediction 1
Drunk Prediction: Houston Texans will win the AFC South 
Poopy Pants Drunk Prediction: The Houston Texans will win the Superbowl

Andre Johnson, Arian Foster, Matt Schaub, Owen Daniels and no discernible defense on this team, it will make other defenses say “aw fuck” and other offenses say “hold my diiiick”. And will definitely make the playoffs and if you ask me later tonight, I’ll say they are Superbowl champs. I make this prediction based on two factors:
The Texans offensive potential greatly exceeds their defensive crapability. Also, the acquisition of Jonathan Joseph helps a secondary that is best known for trying to play volleyball against the Jags’ Mike Thomas. 1st round pick JJ Watt looks like a stud coming off the edge and Mario Williams will continue to apply pressure from the other side. Former Defensive Rookie of the Year Brian Cushing is a beast when he isn’t being suspended and missing half a year. I think the Texans are a few defensive stops away from being a contender and their new talent could be just the source.
Peyton Manning... What’s the deal here? I think his neck hurts still so we can look forward to shots of him making goofy faces on the sidelines as Kerry Collins falls asleep mid-cadence. Also, the Colts defense will be s.o.l. twice a year even if Arian Foster doesn’t play to spite his fantasy owners. (WE LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE ARIAN, PLEASE COME HOME..) The division title has never been this vulnerable. And if you try and tell me that the Texans are a sexy pick, fuck you, I made this prediction in January and it’s becoming less ridiculous by the day.
Prediction 2
Drunk: A large portion of the NBA Season will be lost
Spent My Rent Money at The Rippers Drunk: NBA Season is lost entirely, I push Josh down and tell him to find a new blog.
Locked out, no progress, contracts overseas... somethin smells like shit. I think David Stern will be hard pressed to get this season going anytime soon. Since Josh doesn’t watch football, hockey, baseball, cricket, soccer, curling, volleyball, MMA, The WWE, X-Arm, The X-Games, The Olympics, Modern Family, didn’t like Godfather Part II, and he has been known to fill his sweatpants with cheeseburgers, he will be useless to us and I will be forced to push him down.
Drunk: Milwaukee Brewers NL Champs
Laughed at My Own Reflection in a Mirror Drunk: Brewers win World Series
I’m not sure if there is a better 3-4 duo than Braun and Fielder right now and the whole Axford-K-Rod tandem makes me puke a little. Not as much of an upset, but when I think of the Phillies soberly I can’t imagine them losing. However, the Brewers are a hitting machine with a legitimate MVP candidate in Braun, if their rotation can find some stability The Brew Crew will be fucking fat girls in no time. The biggest challenge will be the Phillies, the Diamondbacks will not advance because Lyle Overbay is on the team, and if ATL can hang on to the Wildcard they don’t seem like a legitimate threat.
For my drunker prediction, if the Brewers were to advance to the World Series this would require me to make a AL prediction to determine who Milwaukee will defeat. For this I will require 1000cc of white rum and time because I’m not being paid for this and I like doing shit. 


No comments:

Post a Comment