Monday, 14 November 2011

My Loose Change: Female Sideline Reporters

First off, id like to introduce you guys to a little segment I like to call “My Loose Change.”  In these posts I will be ranting about sport related things that either rattle my cage, churn my butter, or anything in between.  Most of the time these will be complete nonsense, but will likely add a smirk or two to your daily Obicularis Oris workouts (finally, anatomy going to use! Oh and to answer everyone’s question, that’s your muscle that helps you smile :).  I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed the headache of trying to avoid using “My Two Cents” as the title of this segment- fuck you Kent Brockman!

Last June, I was watching the NBA finals with my entire family.  None of us had a team we were rooting for in the finals (thanks a lot Dallas), so we were merely just enjoying the last seconds that basketball had to offer until the lockout.  Dirk just hit one of those crazy one legged faders to end his ridiculous half, so obviously a sideline reporter wanted to interview him.  My entire family knew what was coming, and we couldn’t bare it anymore.  “We now turn to Michele Tafoya with Dirk Nowitzski on the sidelines” Mark Jackson States.

“Fuck, not again” I thought too myself.  I don’t want to hear her report, every time she’s about to interview someone I cringe.  Every question is just so fucking pointless.  “How do you plan to stop the opposing team?” WHAT TYPE OF FUCKING QUESTION IS THAT!?  You get paid to ask these superstars intelligent questions but yet every question I hear is asinine.

A woman commentating about sports……..Well, that’s just preposterous.    I don’t care if you have the silkiest hair, the biggest rack, the tightest button down shirt on, or Reggie Millers sister, there’s no reason for you to be on those sidelines asking juvenile questions….In fact nobody should be interviewing these players, asking them questions my nine year old nephew can come up with.  I’m not joking, he was sitting there saying “how is Miami going to stop dirk 1-1?” or “they have to rebound more.”  When it came for the coaches interviews Erik Spoelstra was asked how they plan to stop dirk 1-1, and how they can outhustle Chandler.  These reporters are useless, and unfortunately they’re mostly female, which adds even more potential of ridicule.  There almost as painful to watch as that drunk chick who thinks she knows sports.

Come on, we’ve all been through this before- that one chick at the party who thinks she’s just “one of the boys” and can jump into any sports conversation with things like “Oh Tom Brady! I love that guy! He’s such a good quarterback” or even worse, you get that chick sitting on the couch watching the hockey game telling stories about how she grew up with her no good father wishing she was a boy so she actually kind of knows a bit about sports, when realistically she just wants to get into your pants, to show her no good father whos boss.  Women and Sports do not mix.  Kinda like liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.  Women and sports, you’ll end up with warts.  We leave you alone when your going shopping with the gals, so can you please give us 3 hours in return to watch Big Ben Roethlisberger dangle in the pocket?

Phil Jackson had it right.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man who hates these interviews as much as he does.  You can just tell he wants to tell the reporter off, and usually he does.  Whenever it’s Craigs Sager interviewing Phil, he just mocks Craig for how crappy he looks and how crappy his job is.  Most of the time Phil wont answer the question.  I remember this one time, Phil apologized to Doris Burke for having to waste his and her time.  Please, just watch the 1:30min video below and tell me how pointless and unnecessary these interviews are…..He just completely ignores the question and calls Craig an ice cream man.  Phil, you are a fucking P.I.M.P.

I’m going to run through each question Craig asked Phil and explain why a fucking child can come up with answers to these questions

Question the First: did you feel comfortable resting Kobe late in the third, will you rest him in the fourth?

Why this question is stupid: if you know anything about Phil Jackson, you would know that he always keeps his rotation the same, winning or loosing.  Most coaches tend to do this, so players know their roles.  Craig has probably seen Phil coach for 10+ years and now he’s asking him if he’s comfortable doing something he’s been doing for 10+ years with 6 rings? He benched Jordan late in the third as well, clearly he’s comfortable resting his stars dipshit.  NEXT!

Question the Second: what do you think of OKC’s crowd during their first playoff game?

Why I want to drain my spinal fluid after hearing this question:  He’s the opposing team in a hostile environment where the city is experiencing their first playoff game ever….clearly OKC is going to be nuts, and clearly Phill wants nothing to do with it.  You really think a competitor and winner like Phill is gonna prance around being like “oh man, OKC you’re such a wonderful city, showing so much support for your players.  Awww how cute….” NO! That won’t happen, nobody wants to hear this question, for any opposing team in any arena, the home crowd is just fucking annoying.

Question the third: you’ve been able to score 32 and 33 (or something) points in the first two games, what’s different about tonight?

Why I’m going bald just thinking about this question: Phil’s answer is just fantastic, he blatantly stares down Sager and says “we have 23.”  I’m not even going to waste our times with this one.  Probably the dumbest question I’ve heard on the sidelines to date.  Sure, you can argue that Sager was looking for an answer like “we’ll we aren’t going through screens and playing tight on the cutter while keeping your back to the basket.,” but no coach is going to give an answer like that.  Tell me, have you ever seen an interview where the coach actually went into depth with their plan?   No, because then anyone can see what Coach A likes to do against Team B.  Fucking asinine folks.

It makes me laugh knowing that the one guy who happens to be a sideline reporter is only recognizable by his laughable suits.  It also makes me laugh that my own mother cant stand watching Cheryl Miller interview anyone because of how stupid she sounds.  “I cant stand watching that bitch Cherly Miller interview anymore, she shouldn’t be calling basketball games, she’s ludicrous!”

Ok you caught me, my mom never said ludicrous, however she did chirp someone of her own sex who’s made it far in the professional world.  I mean really, who wants to sit there and watch a girl in balloon pants (or in a males case, a bright florescent suit) asking questions in hope that the team releases top secret information.  If my mother, the person who cant tell the difference between NHL 12 and Hockey Night in Canada wont stand to watch another sideline report, this tells me that sideline reporters clearly aren’t needed in the wonderful world of sports.  

Hopefully I am not the only one that believes in this epidemic.  I bet the players hate these interviews too, do you really think they want to be bothered with brainless questions right when they’re about to be yelled at by the coach?  Let the coaches’ coach, and the players play.  Save your asinine questions for the post game interview, where the fans can choose to watch it over the Internet, and so we can get more postgame interviews like this:


-P.S.  To anyone that felt a bit offended by this shouldn't be, learn to take a joke and move on...besides, i was drunk when i wrote this, so maybe 1/3 of me actually believes what i wrote, but then again who knows.

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