EEHHHOOO! It’s Saturday, so that means I have procrastinated for another week and I have to put up some power rankings. What a week, my fantasy team lost again, I only got drunk once, and I watched jeopardy 4 out of the 5 nights. You are a seductive temptress, Trebek.
What is fucking terrible and is costing my Dolphins Andrew Luck?
32 - Indianapolis Colts
31 - Miami Dolphins
Looks like they won themselves right out of the Suck-For-Luck campaign. My dad called me on Sunday and said, “These fucking guys even suck at losing.” Touche, father.
30 - Seattle Seahawks
Whenever I think of Seattle I think of Matt Hasselbeck saying, “WE WANT THE BALL, AND WE’RE GONNA WIN!!” And then he threw that pick six. I know his old-bones have moved on, but that will stay with me forever...Stupid Seattle.
29 - St Louis Rams
Almost pulled it out against Arizona, they forgot that people try to return punts occasionally. If you play the video back you can actually pin-point the moment their Special Teams Coach puts his house up for sale.
28 - Arizona Cardinals
One of the coolest plays of the year so far in Patrick Peterson’s punt return. Oh, I’m sure all Cardinals remember those days when they tried their best and didn’t want to off themselves. Cherish it Patrick...
27 - Jacksonville Jaguars
BOOOORRRIIIINGGG. What’s the point in drafting a quarterback in the first round if you don’t let him throw farther than 10 yards? I’d rather watch re-runs of Storage Wars. Ahh who am I kidding? I’d watch re-runs of Storage Wars over any game.
26 - Cleveland Browns
When your fans refer to your stadium as a factory of sadness something is wrong.
25 - Minnesota Vikings
The Vikings remind me of the guy at a four-way-stop who don’t know its their time to go and keeps waving you forward. NO, NO Y-YOU, ITS YOUR FUCKING TURN TO GO IDIOT. You guys have so many good players, just win some god damn games.
24 - Carolina Panthers
If Cam Newton considers himself a failure, then my life is somewhere between a crack addict and the corpse of a vacuum salesman.
23 - Denver Broncos
Honestly don’t know how they won against Oakland, it was almost like something sensed we were all making fun of Tebow and responded... could it have been...? YES IT WAS VELOCI-JESUS!
|Maul thy neighbor|
22 - Washington Redskins
Watching John Beck is worse than using an eye-wash station full of piss. WE WANT THE SEX CANNON AND WE WANT HIM NOW!
21 - Tennessee Titans
If Chris Johnson doesn’t break a 100 yard run this week I think this team slips into oblivion, like honestly who cares?
20 - Kansas City Chiefs
You dinks couldn’t even beat the Dolphins? At least Todd Haley has to shave that Robin Williams ass hair he calls a beard.
19 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Picking up Albert Haynesworth might have been a bad move. All Tampa Bay waitresses be alert: he gets grabby after a few martinis.
18 - Philadelphia Eagles
HEYYOO! It’s hard to describe the joy I feel when these overrated team-buyers lose. One because Nic is loud as shit and he gets quiet when they lose, and two I like making Eagles jokes because it makes Nic quiet. I think I’m just a mean person. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!!
17 - Dallas Cowboys
Remember when Jerry Jones was on Entourage? That’s when I made the life decision to either buy 100 pounds of Ed Hardy shit, say “Bro” all the time and finish watching the season. Or stop caring about the show because I didn’t want to be a walking sack of feminine hygiene products.
16 - Oakland Raiders
Even when they win they stab someone.
15 - San Diego Charger
I keep giving these assholes the benefit of the doubt. Start winning P Rivs, you are playing like a noodle-armed choir boy.
14 - Buffalo Bills
Shit-kicked by the Jets. If there ever was a time or place for a meteor to hit... fuck you outer space you blew it.
13 - New York Jets
The Jets Offense still looks like three dogs at a park all trying to bang each other at the same time.
12 - Atlanta Falcons
I’ve seen jars of mayonnaise that cover the spread better! HEYYOOOO (I’m getting tired).
11 - Cincinnati Bengals
They keep winning but we all keep waiting for the inevitable. Andy Dalton and AJ Green have been running an illegal cock-fighting ring that sides as a fried chicken eatery. Let’s go FBI, get on that shit.
10 - New England Patriots
Literally cannot play defense. They just let the other team go out and run plays and hope that someone drops a pass or fumbles. I wish I could say I feel bad for Tom Brady but I really don’t, and neither should anyone else.
9 - Chicago Bears
Cutler is so used to being sacked he fell down and realized no one was there yet. The Bears defense is still real good, and if Cutler’s *cough* knee injury *cough* holds up, they might make some noise. On the other hand...
8 - Houston Texans
These guys really just have to avoid any car accidents or sexually transmitted diseases and the AFC South is theirs.
7 - Detroit Lions
Suh was voted the NFL’s dirtiest player. Why would you make him angry? You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry...
6 - New York Giants
The whole world is waiting for that moment when Eli loses his cool and does something so retarded we all say “Now that’s the Eli Manning I know and love!” and he makes a stupid face on the sideline, then the camera cuts to his brother who is making an equally stupid face somewhere else.
5 - San Francisco 49ers
I’m not saying the 49ers will win the Superbowl or anything. Because they won’t.
4 - Pittsburgh Steelers
Big Ben played catch up the whole game. The Ravens really just looked like the better team. That’s what happens when you make fun of Joe Flacco.
3 - New Orleans Saints
Breesus continues to keep his team in the championship talks. I feel like I could play receiver for this team.
2 - Baltimore Ravens
Anyone else notice how much Joe Flacco looks like Bert from Sesame Street? NO FUCKING COOKIES IN THE BED PITTSBURGH!
1 - Aaron Rodgers
31st ranked defense, he has to be the fucking Terminator.
YOUR CLOTHES. GIVE THEM TO ME NOW.
Alright, I have to go catch up on some drinking. I may or may not have made my own four loko last night... If I die tonight, let this article be read at my funeral, also I require an entire script reading of Terminator 2: Judgement Day.