Saturday, 5 November 2011

NFL Power Rankings Week 9 - IM BACK

Yeah, it’s been a while, but let’s face it, nothing has happened. There’s no point in me writing this shit out every week if nothing is going to happen (I know shit has happened, don't get all "YO SO MUCH HAPPENED IDIOT" on me. I've been busy). Also, there’s no way I’m gonna write this out when no one gives me feedback on it. “Hey Brad, your power rankings are good,” or something like that you assholes. Some guy I just met last night complimented me on these and he knew me for 6 minutes. Some of you people have known me for 20 years. Jesus some friends. 
Here are your rankings:

He's so happy to be a Dolphin

33 - Miami Dolphins

I think the Colts are probably worse, but if I wish the Shitfins into last I think they will fulfill my boyhood dream of getting a good quarterback. I hope you like sunshine and old retirees, Andrew.

32 - Indianapolis Colts

Watching these guys without Peyton Manning is like watching Two and a Half Men without Charlie Sheen. It was pretty annoying before, but now it’s just a fucking nightmare.

31 - Winner of LSU/Alabama

Just being realistic.

30 - Denver Broncos

Watching Tim Tebow throw is like watching a car accident, you are horrified but you can’t look away. If he wasn’t so god damn popular the Broncos would be so far the under the radar they would have to basically kill a player to get on tv.

By the way, if you type in "Tim Tebow can throw" into google, it will say: "Did you mean: Tim Tebow can't throw?"  HILARIOUS!

29 - Seattle Seahawks

These shit hawks are still terrible. I don’t care if they have 2 wins. When Tavarris Jackson is still your quarterback, it means one of two things: 1, he is your best option which is fucking terrifying and 2, Tavarris has naked or dick pic’s of Pete Carrol which is also fucking terrifying.

28 - Arizona Cardinals

They have looked ok at times. I watch because Fitz is on my fantasy team. I feel like he’s gonna go postal soon if they don’t start getting him the ball. He’s going to send Kurt Warner one of his ears.

27 - St Louis Rams

Such a yucky team. There is no Darryl Sheets “wow factor” here at all. Take how bad I feel for Fitz and multiply it by 2 for Stephen Jackson. Hey Steve, remember when you wasted your career in St.Louis post Kurt Warner? Yeah, your legacy is gonna fade away faster than a kidnapped prostitute. Call that agent! There’s still time!

26 - Jacksonville Jaguars

I have no idea what happened last Monday night against the Ravens, but to me it looked like Baltimore’s OC was seeing how many retarded plays he can call in a row before someone noticed (THEY NEVER NOTICED!). The Jags kind of suck. Blaine Gabbert has no one to throw to and no blocking. It makes me sad because he’s so handsome.

25 - Cleveland Browns

Peyton Hillis sprained something again. The millions of fantasy owners who drafted him in the first round are probably the same people who voted him onto the cover of Madden. Fuck sakes.

24 - Minnesota Vikings

Gave Green Bay a scare... still suck. Should really just let AP play quarterback.

23 - Washington Redskins

I am disgusted with the benching of The Sex Cannon. John Beck looks like a nerd and plays like one too. They got shit-kicked worse than Shia LaBoef the other day:

22 - Carolina Panthers

Have a fairly tough schedule for being so terrible last season. Cam Newton is a swag machine that is pumping out coolness at unheard of rates. I just wanna hang out with the guy.

21 - Tennessee Titans

What did I say like 5 weeks ago? They aren’t good. Chris Johnson looks like he didn’t play all preseason (weird, right?) and Matt Hasselbeck looks like he’s 40 (weird, right?)

20 - Kansas City Chiefs

Despite a nice game on Monday, I don’t see what the big deal is here. P Rivs literally handed them the game. Also, Todd Haley is the angriest homeless person I have ever seen.

19 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Blount is out which means at least 50% less sucker-punches but also 50% less wins.

18 - Dallas Cowboys

Tony Romo is like the fucking Dick Van Dyke Show.

17 - Cincinnati Bengals

What is going on in Cincy? Nothing. Nothing is going on because they play in the same division as Pittsburgh and Baltimore. So everyone shut up, the Bengals are one gun in river being found away from losing like 8 players.

16 - Oakland Raiders

Hey, wanna come play for us after not playing for over a year? Yeah, we’ll dress you after like 5 days but don’t worry you won’t have to play and completely embarrass yourself because you only know 15 plays! Wait, I mean you will have to. Happy retirement, Carson.

15 - Philadelphia Eagles

Still a lot of problems on defense and a win over Dick Van Dyke doesn’t mean a whole lot these days.

14 - San Diego Chargers

PRivs was sending a message to his team that if they didn’t play better he would just lose the game. LaDanian Tomlinson made an appearance from obscurity saying its hard to be the man or some shit. Go back to that loud orgy of cocky POS’s known as the Jets.

13 - New York Jets

An orgy of loud cocky POS’s

12 - Chicago Bears

I think someone found Jay Cutler’s diary and saw that he actually hates being sacked every play but is too shy to express his true emotions. That still won’t stop him from making worse decisions than a drunk guy in a horror movie. Don’t go in the basement! Ahh fuck, you're so dead.

11 - Atlanta Falcons

Maybe the bye week will wake up these guys. I’ve never seen so much talent being wasted... Oh wait, the Eagles still play in the NFL.

10 - Houston Texans

Arian Foster is good at stuff.

9 - Buffalo Bills

I can’t decide what I like better. Getting my weiner smashed with a hammer, or watching the Bills win. Probably the weiner thing.

8 - New York Giants

Eli is actually playing pretty well. I have a theory that Peyton can’t recover because at night Eli has been stealing stem cells out of his neck. NOOO MY POWERSSSSSS!! ELIIIIIII NOOO!!!!

7 - Detroit Lions

Why are they acting like such douche bags? Like we get it, you haven’t won anything for 100 years but god damn man. I want to cheer for these guys because they were crappy so long, but there are doing their best to make sure no one likes them still. I like Megatron regardless though, anyone nicknamed after a transformer is OK in my books.

6 - San Francisco 49ers

Everyone calm down. NFC West teams are about as relevant as any show that airs the same time as The Walking Dead. MOTHERFUCKING ZOMBIES MAN!

5 - New England Patriots

Haven’t played defense since 2001.

4- New Orleans Saints

Minor slip up. These guys still have so many weapons. Plus, Darren Sproles is so adorable! Look at him go!

3 - Pittsburgh Steelers

These guys are stepping it up at the right time. This weekend will determine a lot.

2 - Baltimore Ravens

These guys are stepping it up at the right time. This weekend will determine a lot.

1 - Green Bay Packers

Aaron Rodger’s girlfriend is hot.

That’s it. Maybe I’ll do it again next week. I had fun. Let’s get Boston Red Sox bullpen drunk tonight!


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