Locked Out: The Final Chapter

"Locked Out" is satire. It is how we here at DGS imagine the NBA Lockout talks sounding like. Enjoy.

 

David Stern: OK, we’ve cancelled pre-season and at least ten games. We are willing to negotiate but our patience is running out.

Let's Get Ready For Tip-Off

After 149 brutal days, both NBA players and coaches have agreed on a tentative deal that could potentially end the NBA lockout, with the first set of games to be played on Christmas Day.  To celebrate this joyous occasion, I am going to be getting shittered tonight.  I’ll be as drunk as Metta World Peace in his rookie season drinking Hennesey at half time, and as fucked as Michael Beasley was during the entire lockout.

Rum Ham and Football... FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE!

We have a rum ham, we have football all day so can you tell me why we wouldn't do it live? I can't... So come on in and join us in celebrating American Thanksgiving by getting loser drunk and watching football for 12 straight hours...

We Are All Witnesses... to a Douchebag

This endless NBA Lockout has forced me to get my basketball fix elsewhere. I have been watching absurd amounts of NBA Classics to feed my addiction. Last week, the 1998 NBA Finals between Jordan’s Bulls and Utah’s dynamic duo of Stockton and Malone was played out game by game. The combination of watching these games and my own boredom has left me time to make some conclusions.

Michael Jordan is the uncontested greatest basketball player to ever play the game, and the man billed to be his successor, LeBron Raymonde James, will never have this honor. 

If a statue of LeBron James were to be placed in Cleveland, Ohio, 20 years from now, one thing is certain. That statue would come down faster than a monument for Muammar Gaddafi in Libya. The question I ask is this: when LeBron James plays his final game, will the crowd even cheer for him?

The Closest Thing We've Ever Had To An Actual Article...

So I'm taking a sports writing class and our latest assignment was to write our own sports column and I chose to write about the whole Penn State thing (real original right!?). I figured I'd post it on here considering it kills two birds with one stone... I finished my assignment and I can add a post to the site. There's not a single bad word and it's not funny at all, but I hope you enjoy it anyways...

My Loose Change: Female Sideline Reporters

First off, id like to introduce you guys to a little segment I like to call “My Loose Change.”  In these posts I will be ranting about sport related things that either rattle my cage, churn my butter, or anything in between.  Most of the time these will be complete nonsense, but will likely add a smirk or two to your daily Obicularis Oris workouts (finally, anatomy going to use! Oh and to answer everyone’s question, that’s your muscle that helps you smile :).  I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed the headache of trying to avoid using “My Two Cents” as the title of this segment- fuck you Kent Brockman!

NFL Power Ranking Week 10 - What is, YOU SUCK!?

EEHHHOOO! It’s Saturday, so that means I have procrastinated for another week and I have to put up some power rankings. What a week, my fantasy team lost again, I only got drunk once, and I watched jeopardy 4 out of the 5 nights. You are a seductive temptress, Trebek.

We'll Miss You Smoking Joe.

I came across an awesome Simpsons clip the other day, so awesome that i think it belongs right here on DrunkGuySports.  It has booze, bar fights, and even Smokin' Joe.

Smokin' Joe, you truly were a man of quality or condition of being excellent.  In my mind, you're the winner of The First Annual Montgomery Burns Award in the Field of Excellence.

P.S. I DO NOT OWN THIS VIDEO.  COPYRIGHT BELONGS TO FOX AMERICA CORPORATION, THEY OWN IT.

I AM JUST USING IT TO TRY AND GET A LAUGH OUT OF YOU FUCKER'S.  PLEASE DONT TAKE IT DOWN!

I BET YOU YOU'RE ALL READING THIS IN YOUR HEAD LIKE SOMEONE'S YELLING AT YOU

In all seriousness, one of the greatest athletes of all time, and a wonderful human being passed away recently and we at DGS just wanted to reflect on this. According to Webster's he had all the qualities of being excellent, and according to his millions of fans and the generations Joe inspired, he was great. R.I.P. Joe.

-DGS

NFL Power Rankings Week 9 - IM BACK

Yeah, it’s been a while, but let’s face it, nothing has happened. There’s no point in me writing this shit out every week if nothing is going to happen (I know shit has happened, don't get all "YO SO MUCH HAPPENED IDIOT" on me. I've been busy). Also, there’s no way I’m gonna write this out when no one gives me feedback on it. “Hey Brad, your power rankings are good,” or something like that you assholes. Some guy I just met last night complimented me on these and he knew me for 6 minutes. Some of you people have known me for 20 years. Jesus some friends. 
Here are your rankings:

Locked Out: Episode One

This is a completely fabricated, satirical exaggeration of what we here at DGS imagine the NBA Lockout negotiations sounding like. Here is a recap of the first week of the labor talks.

David Stern: Hello everyone, let’s try and be as productive as possible, there’s a lot to be done and we want to salvage as much basketball as possible to avoid slipping into obscurity.

Happy Hallloween Bitches

Yes, I know were a day late, but what do you expect from a bunch of drunken baboons. Did you really think we would waste our Halloween weekend trying to come up with posts for you guys to read? That’s what I thought. Like your professors, we have lives outside of our work believe it or not, and in our lives we live for two things: Booze and Pussy