Locked Out

Can someone please tell me how long this hangover will last?

For those of you still living under the empties from last St. Patty’s Day, the NBA has been locked out since July 1st. Why? Well it’s quite simple really. The already rich fat-cat “PJ penny packing” owners of the 30 NBA teams want to make more money, while “I cant believe he’s still getting paid to suck on Michael Jordan’s dick” (cough cough Kwame Brown) type of players don’t want to give up the ridiculous pocket picking contracts they already have.

Really? Come on NBA owners, let’s put down that $100,000 bottle of skotch and lets be real for a second here. I’m gonna go out on a limb here, and say that most NBA owners primary source of income is not the NBA team they own. Most of these owners were billionaires prior to purchasing a team, and made most of their money from real estate developing and investing. For example, let’s take the owner of the Detroit Pistons. Tom Gores is not only worth 2.4 billion dollars, but he owns multiple investing firms, which currently bring in 8-12 billion dollars annually (Count it Wikipedia!). Does Paul Allen ring a bell? Well it should, because he co-founded Microsoft with Bill Gates, and currently is the owner of the Portland Trail Blazers. I wonder if Windows 7 was really his idea? I swear to god if the lockout was his idea I’ll drag him right to the trash bin. Anyways, are you starting to get my point? Owning a NBA team is more of a hobby for these guys than an actual business, why do they care this much to make that much more money?

I guess I see why the players are rattled. Rich assholes trying to steal their ‘hard earned money’ (I’m looking at you Eddy Curry, you fat piece of shit) from hard working players. The owners want to set a hard cap at around 62 million dollars, a 50/50 revenue split between the league, no guarensheed contracts and the Allan Houston rule, where you can knock off one shitty contract a year to help cut costs (wad up B Diddy). None of these things seem to benefit the players, which is why shit is hitting the fan at the moment.

I refuse to waste time and tell you which side I’m on or which side is right, and I’m definitely not going to waste your time telling you what the NBA and David Stern (no relation) should do. To be honest you shouldn’t give a flying fuck what anyone thinks, the players and owners just need to sit and talk this out. I’m more concerned with what I’m going to do with my life now.

As you have read in previous articles, I’m a pretty die hard basketball fan. I love basketball so much that I have never took the time to learn a new sport, and now that the lockout doesn’t seem to be ending any time soon, I fear that I may need to learn a new sport……nah, fuck it. I’ll get by with my basic knowledge in the other sports, but for fun I’m going to tell you why I refuse to learn a new sport

Baseball:
Too many stats (I don’t feel like doing math for sports)

A race between a snail and a turtle would be more action packed

What other sport uses a stick and ball….golf…..polo….that’s great company

Steroids, steroids and more steroids

Why even broadcast it on TV, you get the same effect from listening to it on the radio

I don’t feel like looking at men sticking out their “buns of steel” for a hit

I kinda back big league chew

The kicker: when I tune into fox to watch the Simpsons and see a baseball game in the 11th inning. FML

Hockey:
Gotta love that non stop action paced game yielding scores of 1-0 2-0 etc.

French sounding last named people are allowed to play

Mullets

The fact that every time someone talks to me about it, I have to be on urban dictionary. “Yo did you see Iggy go bar down for his second gino” “Ya man, he also had 3 apples last night, guys twig is hot right now”... fuck that

You’re not allowed to take off your skates to stab people….

The kicker: Joe Sakic doesn’t play anymore

Football:
Its essentially like watching a montage of commercials

Some guy most of had a lot of time on his hands to create a sport out of pig skin, requiring four downs to move ten yards on a 100 yard field with two goal posts to kick the ball through…..whatever drug he’s on I want some

I don’t want to watch a guy do a stupid celebration every single play, a loss of two yards cannot be that big of a deal

The only game I can think of where you spend more time setting up the play than actually performing it (fat guy runs, gets taken down, 2 minutes later it happens again)

Going to a NFL game is pretty boring

The kicker: unless players find a way to unleash their inner Bobby Bouche I’m not interested

JTU