Friday, 16 September 2011

We Need More Power Captain - NFL Power Rankings

Since I am uninterested in everything that happened in sports this week, I came up with the brilliant idea to create a weekly piece that barely changes and when it does I can move a team up like two fucking spots and say something like “Watch out for these guys!” or “Another performance by (insert quarterback) and this team is a god damn contender!” and so on. So welcome to Copy+Paste Corner where shit only changes when I have enough energy to make it.
After one week here are my officially biased NFL Power Rankings
32 - Seattle Seahawks
What can someone say about Seattle? Seriously, they look terrible and I have nothing to say.
31- Cleveland Browns
Yes, Colt McCoy looked half decent but heres the bottom line: A loss to freakin’ Cincinnati means you suck, especially when their starting quarterback goes down early.
30 - Denver Broncos
A tough loss during the much shittier Monday Nighter. Denver looked like it had absolutely nothing going for them, other than their uncanny ability to get punched in the face by Oakland players and creating drives through the Raiders’ penalties.
29 - Carolina Panthers
OOOOOO CAMM FUCCCKINGGG NEWWWWTONN!! Yeah, well they lost... to Arizona. Kevin Kolb picked apart a bad secondary here and Carolina is one blown coverage away from losing by 14.
28 - Cincinnati Bengals
The Bengals are still terrible and a win over the Browns means about as much as beating an thumbless 8 year old in Madden. They lost Andy Dalton who is limited this week, and their top pick had one reception on a blown coverage. Poor Cedric.
27 - Indianapolis Colts
Like a lost puppy the Colts wondered out onto a highway and were nailed by a car. I have never seen a team so distraught without one player. 
 26 - Kansas City Chiefs
Crushed by the Bills at home. I believe this team is much better than this but I can’t justify putting them any higher right now.
25 - Tennessee Titans
Decent game from Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s brother in law in a losing cause- to a team who released their starting quarterback days before the game... But good news, Kenny Britt is a free man!
24 - Jacksonville Jags
See Tennessee Titans
23 - San Francisco 49ers
Looked awful in a win over Seattle. Could not move the ball, and would be in the L column if it wasn’t for that Ged Tin or Jed Grinn guy, whatever his name is. (I think he was like an undrafted cinderella story or something, definitely not 9th overall)
22 - Minnesota Vikings
Remained competitive until San Diego remembered it was the regular season. AP is a 100 million dollar beast and Donovan McNabb seemed content handing the ball off after an opening pass interception. 
21 - Arizona Cardinals
Did I mention this shit was completely biased? The Cards were completely lit up by Cammy Cam, if it wasn’t for superstar Kevin Kolb they lose this game.
20-  St. Louis Rams
Defense looked pretty good against Vince Young’s Dream Team, and exposed some run defense problems for Philly. Sam Bradford was the game’s top passer but that could have been because Vick was in “You can’t stop me bitch!” mode, you know the one where he forgets about blitzes and any type of progression?
19 - Miami Dolphins
I can’t justify putting them any higher, but god dammit I tried. Chad “White Vick” Henne played great in spite of any recognizable running game and Tom Brady throwing for an assload of yards. Speaking of which, where the fuck is the Dolphins secondary? Tony Sparano’s screams on Tuesday morning could be heard from space.
18 - Buffalo Bills
That’s right Buffalo, I don’t believe in you and no one else should. Unless of course Ryan Fitzpatrick has another game like that, then these guys are real contenders...
17-  Oakland Raiders
The Oakland McFaddenJanikowskis punched their way to victory much to the disgust of all. 
16 - New York Giants
I think this is another case of a decent team being distracted by the sexiness of Rexiness. Losing two starting DBs in the preseason does help either. I told someone that Eli was due for a career year... Don’t make me look like an asshole Eli.
15 - Tampa Bay
One thing is for sure, I definitely watched all of this game...
14 - Washington Redskins
Another performance like that from Rex Grossman, and these guys are real contenders god dammit!
13 - Detroit Lions
Matty Staffy to Megatron, get used to it because unless one of these guys have chronic shoulder problems this duo can go all the way.
12 - Atlanta Falcons
I verbally assaulted a man until he agreed that the 2011 Falcons would be the reincarnation of the “Greatest Show on Turf”. Way to go guys.
11 - Dallas Cowboys
A few Romos away from a big win. Oh Tony, you so crazy.
10 - Pittsburgh Steelers
First season opener without some kind of Roethlisberger assault or motorcycle accident... maybe they should consider hittin’ the clubs before Week 2.
9 - Chicago Bears
Could have sworn it was 2005 when I saw Urlacher make a diving pick. Who gives a shit if Pouty McGarnagle hurts his knee and heaves picks when you can play defense like that.

8 - San Diego Chargers
Philip Rivers is good, Mike Tolbert is a god damn cannon ball and these guys are real contenders.
7 - Houston Texans
Could have sworn I hear the ref yell “Fatality” after Jacoby Jones’ 79 yard punt return TD. I’m interested to see how they do against a team that has more than just one page in their playbook that says “Listen to what Mr. Manning says”.
6 - New Orleans Saints
Drew Breesus died for his defense’s sins.
5 - Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles have some serious run stopping issues they need to sort out. I’m sure Vick will sort out any problems he may be having reading defenses and Shady McCoy seems to have picked up where he left off.
4 - New York Jets
Watch out for these guys! (I refuse to write anything nice about the Jets)
3 - New England Patriots
 Just a ridiculous performance, embarrassed a top 10 defense (maybe not anymore).
2 - Baltimore Ravens
Pulled the Steelers into their bathroom stall and will not apologize.
1 - Green Bay Packers
How could I not? Aaron Rodgers is quite clearly a robot from the future designed to win.
For the record, this shit was hard. I don’t know if I care enough to continue writing 32 things a week or if I want to. That is all.


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