Wednesday, 28 September 2011

NFL Power Rankings Week 4 - Paint Man C and the Colts

Does anyone know what's happening in the NFL? It's like M. Night Shyamalan is calling the shots this year. I officially don't know what is going to happen anymore and it's only Week 4. All this insanity is making it harder to write these damn rankings, and I'm not ok with that. So I'm going to put teams where I think they should be, because doing research is for suckers. And let's face it, no one is reading these articles for advice anyway (If you are, you probably have a serious health problem and I would recommend getting a brain scan). Also, fuck the Bills.

32 - Buffalo Bills

I make this list, you read it. Bills are 32 because they suck.

31 - Kansas City Chiefs

Close one against SD, but I think they caught Phil Rivs on his one bad game this year - and they still lost. Can’t stop the run.

30 - Indianapolis Colts

Paint Man C

Not a terrible game against a much better Pittsburgh team. Although, with bumblings about Peyton being done for the year, I can officially say that this team is fucked. Curtis Painter looks like a fucking professional wrestler and it seems they would rather have a grey retiree over him anyway. So, in that case- COMMISSIONER GORDON, TO THE FAVRE SIGNAL (it's probably the outline of his weiner).

29 - Miami Dolphins

Team looks as helpless as a baby seal. I can see Tony Sparano faking a heart attack, Larry David style, once a week to avoid being fired.

28 - Seattle Seahawks

Listen, three weeks of being shit followed by one narrow win over the fucking Cardinals does not get you anywhere. However, in the NFC West these are the types of wins that you celebrate.

27 - Minnesota Vikings

Can’t win, can’t pass. Adrian Peterson cries and hugs his knees in the shower after every game.

26 - Jacksonville Jaguars

News report confirmed: Blaine Gabbert hates his life after one game with terrible team.

25 - Arizona Cardinals

Lost to Seattle? That’s a paddlin’.

24 - Cincinnati Bengals

Sex, lies, and 6 pounds of dope make the Bengals a terrible team. Lost one of the worst football games I have ever seen on Sunday... and I live in freakin’ Canada.

23 - San Francisco 49ers

Praise the fantasy football gods, Vernon Davis did stuff. This team has never looked better than crappy so far this year. Beating the Cincinnati City Prison Mean Machine is not an accomplishment.

22 - St. Louis Rams

Played decently well against three contenders so far (Eagles, Giants, Ravens). We all know that for an NFC West team, scoring a touchdown against a non-divisional team is like winning the Superbowl.

21 - Carolina Panthers

Cammy Cam got the win finally but almost fucked over my fantasy team; so Mr. Newton and myself remain on bad terms.

20 - Denver Broncos

Could Tennessee be good? Naaaaahhh. Denver has been close in every game but close only counts when you’re lactose intolerant, hungover, drank a gallon of chocolate milk at a flea market and then managing to get home to your own toilet with only minimal underwear damage. THAT’S WHEN CLOSE COUNTS DENVER. (based on the true story of one man's courage)

19 - Cleveland Browns

I think this is probably too high but there is a full diaper full of poop teams below this.

18 - Tennessee Titans

Ah??? Nahhhhhhhh

17 - Daa Bears, Chicago

I am completely convinced that this entire organization, from the owners to the waterboys, hate Jay Cutler’s fucking guts. Look for next week when the equipment manager puts chloroform in his chin strap.

16 - Oakland Raiders

Not so fast Oakland. A win over the Jets is huge for this team but I’m not buying what they’re selling (I think it’s drugs... or weapons for the Raider Nation)

15 - Atlanta Falcons

What did I say about being the best offense in the league guys? Wake your shit up, you’re making me look like an ass.

14 - Philadelphia Eagles

Two bad losses in a row. GOD DAMN REFS FUCKED US. Right, Mike?

13 - Washington Redskins

 Very close game on Monday night which lost me twenty bucks of my drinking money. Fucking stupid Rexy... so sexy all the time. Ah, I can’t stay mad at him.

12 - Pittsburgh Steelers

Failed to impress me against the ever so shitty Colts. Paint Man C actually led a drive and scored  to tie this game with minutes left, but Big Ben did the same with less time on the clock for the win. Two fumbles and a pick in the first half for Roethlisberger, the Steelers are probably missing the Old Ben who wasn’t settled down, threw touchdowns, sexually harassed women, won championships, didn’t throw picks, got wasted, and drove his motorcycle without a helmet. If only there was some middle ground between touchdowns and assault.

11 - Dallas Cowboys

How much is Ashton Kutcher paying the center to continually snap the ball at Romo’s face? I can’t wait to see Tony’s face when he hears how bad he got punked.

10 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers  

Held on for a nice win over Atlanta. Was I wrong Atlanta? I swear to god guys.

9 - New York Jets

Boom. Walked in like your shit didn’t stink and lost smelling worse than ever. Maybe this wakes them up, or maybe they still have Sanchez at quaterback and waste everyone’s time before losing deep in the playoffs. But they are at 9 right now because I don’t like them (See “Buffalo Bills”).

8 - Detroit Lions

A good team is something this city could really use. I still see this team collapsing like a house of cards built by someone from Detroit.

7 - New York Giants

I think I’ve already ran out of Eli jokes.

6 - San Diego Chargers

Phil Rivers did not play well but it was your fault, bitch. Ryan Mathews finally spread his wings and carried the team to victory, however.

5 - Houston Texans

Ran into a hot team. I think they are still giggling over the fact that they are going to win the division.

4 - New England Patriots

What the hell Tom? After all the good things I said about you, you lose to them. Makes me sick. You fucked up my prediction too.

3 - Baltimore Ravens

Joe Flacco’s Animorph is Tom Brady apparently. Light show.

2 - New Orleans Saints

Behold the machine. Breesus won’t stop until accept him as our savior. This offense has more weapons than this guy:


1 - Green Bay Packers

This team is the only sure thing for me this year so far. Aaron Rodger’s offense has more weapons than this guy:

 My favorite picture right now: the shirtless man, looks like a cross between present Nic and future Josh... Great guys.

On another note, we all actually assembled to do our first podcast this year on Monday night after dollar beers, but Josh had a bad case the gout and had to go home. I think it was related to the fact that he has no idea what he's talking about outside of basketball. We went to go see Moneyball yesterday and he asked me if Brad Pitt was supposed to be playing Derek Jeter, and during NFL season last year he asked me why Doug Flutie wasn't playing. None the less, we are planning to have a podcast on Friday night barring any last minute diseases. In the mean time enjoy some more terrible articles. Or don't.


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