Here you go you filthy animals. I would like to be consistent in spite of my own drunk as shitness. I am very tired but I will write this because I hope that one day, my week 3 NFL power rankings will strike it big.
DISCLAIMER: I woke up this morning- after blacking out on Jagerbombs, to this post half finished. I refuse to change anything I wrote because I find it hilarious.
32 - Seattle Seahawks
I didn’t have to do any research for this shit, but I know these assholes can’t get it done. Enjoy your loss to the FARTinals.
(When I blackout I’m pretty PUNny... ah? AH?)
31 - Kansas City Chiefs
Heeeey so remember when I said you were better than week 1? Yaaaa I meant to say you are actually terrible. Especially since Jamaal “Imma ruin your fantasy team” Charles blew his fackin' bendy stick out. Oops, sorry KC I hope you enjoy Todd Haley spazzing his shit on you for the season whilst shaking no opposing coach’s hands because running up the score on a terrible team is unprofessional.
30 - Indianapolis Colts
Guys, I really vouched for you here... but you actually suck ass don’t you. Why don’t you just ask Peyton to punt or something, or ANYTHING?
29 - Jacksonville Jaguars
This just in: Blaine Gabbert hates his life after one snap with a terrible team
28 - Miami Dolphins
Win a fucking game. Its one thing to have a top ten defense for a year and another to act like assholes who used to be a top ten defense the next year.
27 - Cleveland Browns
Beating the Indianapolis High School Neckies does not mean shit to me.
26 - Cincinnatti Bengals
Well thank jesus that draft pick worked out... at least until he is killed/arrested in a drug/night club/spousal attack incident.
25 - Denver Broncos
Timmy T at WR!!!?!!! Too bad Jim Beam beat out the Golden Jesus at quarterback. Quit asking for him because a tuna sub could see that Jose Cuevo is you’re best shot at getting over two wins this season.
24 - Minnesota Vikings
Donovan played better but maaaan with AP behind you, you should at least look like 2009 Favre for a couple minutes... Right? I see some McNabb dick pic’s in the near future. A year in Washington hurts doesn’t it Donny.
23 - Carolina Panthers
Best Fantasy player to never win a game. This is the week that makes my fantasy team rich. Either Cammy will throw for 600 yards and eight touchdowns or he will blow a knee out early and I go to jail for murder one. Ball is in your court Cameron.
22 - San Francisco 49ers
Played well but Tony Romo, down one lung, played hero for the first time in his career.
21 - Arizona Cardinals
Kolb to Fitz connection made its first appearance of probably many. Too bad they got SEXIFIED. Am I the only one pumped that Sexy Rexy is putting up numbers? That guy revs my engines (no homo).
20 - Tennessee Titans
Big jump on the Ravens who I think read my power rankings and got a little too high on themselves. Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s brother in law is one more good game away from landing a Rogaine commercial.
19 - St. Louis Rams
Didn’t watch this game but I’ve heard good things
18 - Oakland Raiders
Narrowly lost to the upstart Bills... That sounds so wrong
17 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Escaped the Vikings with some late game heroics. Its too bad the Falcons and Saints will beat these guys up all year.
16 - Buffalo Bills
Daaaa Billlllllssss suck my ass. Get over it. Four items to address: Two games against the Jets, two games against the Pats. Take your undefeated season and subtract at least four wins right now you sad, sad people. OOOHH Well fuckin’ 12 and 4 buddddyyyy! No sir, no sir. Enjoy winning two games because shit gets real ASAP against the stacked NFC East and San Diego. If another person tells me the Bills are good I will have no choice other than to break their pumpkins every Halloween for the rest of their lives because they are idiots and their children should know their terrible mistakes.
(Another drunk entry- never, ever talk to me about Buffalo when I’m drinking)
15 - New York Giants
Michael Boley threw a ball at some guy’s face. For that reason and that reason alone, the Giants move up.
14 - Dallas Cowboys
HEY, AQUA LUUNG! BLEE BLUU BLEE BLUU BLUU BLEE BLUUU BLEEEEEBLEEE
(I was this drunk, that’s not even how the song goes)
13 - Washington Redskins
Let’s continue getting sexy. Put a dollar bill in your mouth, lay down on stage and this dirty girl is gonna sit on your cash. You won’t know where it’s going, and you will realize it’s not the most sanitary investment, but god damn it will be worth it in the end.
12 - Detroit Lions
Wouldn’t it be hilarious if these guys won like 8 straight then lost the last 8 and missed the playoffs? I would laugh.
11 - Pittsburgh Steelers
Regained some confidence against a bad team. Look for Pittsburgh to keep it goin’ against Indy when James Harrison turns Kerry Collins’ bones to dust.
10 - Chicago Bears
Breesus turned their defensive mistakes into wine. Kyle Orton was spotted near the free wine.
9 - San Diego Chargers
Phil Rivers told me you went down on a guy in an airplane bathroom.
(I don’t know where I was going with this)
8 - Atlanta Falcons
Huge win and generated Vick’s first of many injuries this year. I would put them higher but it was close and Mike Kafka isn’t exactly a superstar.
7 - Philadelphia Eagles
Mike Vick’s brains hurt. Good thing McCoy looks real good.
6 - Houston Texans
That’s right, BELIEVE IN THE HOUUUUU. Although, I think that the Dolphins are going to lose a lot of games this year, so don't get too excited.
5 - Baltimore Ravens
Got a bit ahead of themselves in Tennessee. I don’t think this game reflects their potential. I feel like they tackled Chris Johnson every play and then looked up and were like “who’s this bald guy, and why is he throwing the ball?”
4 - New York Jets
You beat the Jaguars OOOOOHHH GOOOD FOR YOUUU. This three year strategy of hoping Sanchez doesn’t fuck things up late in the game is pissing me off.
3 - New Orleans Saints
Breesus fed a thousand receivers with just one fish and one loaf of bread.
2 - Green Bay Packers
Close call against Cam Newton’s one man band, but Aaron Rodgers still holds the title belt.
1 - New England Patriots
Tom Brady is making it look too easy, I hope he starts wearing his Uggs instead of cleats.
Prediction: This team is 14-0 before losing to the poopy Dolphins week 16... Print it!
There it is assholes. It was much easier this week since I don’t recall doing half of the work.