That Just Happened...

Baseball oh baseball, it only took 161 games but you just made me poop myself sober.

NFL Power Rankings Week 4 - Paint Man C and the Colts

Does anyone know what's happening in the NFL? It's like M. Night Shyamalan is calling the shots this year. I officially don't know what is going to happen anymore and it's only Week 4. All this insanity is making it harder to write these damn rankings, and I'm not ok with that. So I'm going to put teams where I think they should be, because doing research is for suckers. And let's face it, no one is reading these articles for advice anyway (If you are, you probably have a serious health problem and I would recommend getting a brain scan). Also, fuck the Bills.

Hangover Saturday: The Bengals Did Something Illegal Again...

$2.50 jager bombs really kick you in the ass the next morning. I went 11-5 last week which moves me to 19-12 for the season...not bad for someone who could have been declared legally blind last night. Again the slate for games this week isn’t that special, but it should weed out some teams that have been hanging around the past 2 weeks that have no business even being considered a contender (the bills). So lets get into some of the more intriguing matchups then I’ll make my picks for the rest of the game, then I’m going to sweat out something that would get you more fucked up then four loko.

NFL Power Rankings - Week 3

Here you go you filthy animals. I would like to be consistent in spite of my own drunk as shitness. I am very tired but I will write this because I hope that one day, my week 3 NFL power rankings will strike it big.

DISCLAIMER: I woke up this morning- after blacking out on Jagerbombs, to this post half finished. I refuse to change anything I wrote because I find it hilarious.

Hey! You over there! What are you up too?

Today is Thursday (it's actually Friday...we ended up drinking and forgetting to post this in time)

Thursday begins with a T

Therefore, my drink of choice for today is tequila (GET IT!?)

With my cheapest and dirtiest tequila on the rocks in one hand and the randomly sticky Rogers remote in the other, I find myself channel surfing for something good to watch.  Lets see here….Teen Mom is on, that’s always a good laugh.  I’ve seen every Simpsons and Seinfeld episode known to man, and I don’t feel like watching Storage Wars for the 10 time today, so I did what every man would do: turn on the Xbox 360 to get my game on!

Boozy Memoir #UN: Delightful Umpires and Larry Merchant is Piiissed

Watching sports when you’re drunk can produce two things. The first is nothing, you retain nothing, remember nothing, contribute nothing and wake up feeling sad and shaky needing Pizza Hut to live. The second is you come to some conclusions about what you are watching. Sometimes these conclusions are dumb as shit, sometimes you think they are cool only to be told later that they are dumb as shit. Either way, here are some things I took away from watching sports intoxicated recently.

Hangover Saturday - Rexy sure is Sexy

Sitting here knee deep in Smoke’s Poutine and beer pong cups, I should probably be more concerned about being the cause of the contagion outbreak then picking football games, but such is life. Last week I went 8-7, which isn’t the greatest but there were some games that were as predictable as Charlie Sheens next coke binge. Between Sexy Rexy, the Bills, and Cinncy doing the impossible, it was tough to hold onto an above 500 record. There aren’t nearly as many big time games this week, but football is football so let’s get to it.

We Need More Power Captain - NFL Power Rankings

"Let Me Tell You Why I Suck"

The hurling under a pool table, not giving a fuck, possibly yelling at inanimate objects, alcohol induced absolute shit show known as frosh week is now over. I’ve spent the last week taking orders from a texas mickey named Hubert, but he’s gone now, and I can begin to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. My first order of business of course is to get reacquainted with the wide world of sport that has so quickly passed me by during my drunken attempts to watch highlights. There’s a lot going on right now between NHL training camps due to start this weekend (I'll be posting a season preview in the next few weeks), the hunt for October in baseball, and football season finally being upon us. There’s a lot I could discuss right now but considering this probably isn’t your first stop for sporting news I’m not going to bore you with discussions about Tom Brady (I told you all the Green Bay hype would switch over), Cam Newton, or Jose Bautista. Between TSN, SportsNet, The Score and The Network, that shit gets beaten to death. Besides, a half-sober half-left side of my body is numb, rant shouldn’t be about what people did right, it should be about calling people out on how bad they are. And I couldn’t have a rant about people being bad at what they do, without including the master himself,

Locked Out

Can someone please tell me how long this hangover will last?

For those of you still living under the empties from last St. Patty’s Day, the NBA has been locked out since July 1st. Why? Well it’s quite simple really. The already rich fat-cat “PJ penny packing” owners of the 30 NBA teams want to make more money, while “I cant believe he’s still getting paid to suck on Michael Jordan’s dick” (cough cough Kwame Brown) type of players don’t want to give up the ridiculous pocket picking contracts they already have.

Shit-Housed Predictions

If there are two things you should know about me it’s that I always pick retarded upsets, and I always make even more retarded bets about these upset picks. That is why I have decided the following:

Prediction 1

Drunk Prediction: Houston Texans will win the AFC South 

Poopy Pants Drunk Prediction: The Houston Texans will win the Superbowl

Hangover Saturday: Sean Peyton made a boo-boo and fuck Dallas

Week 1 began on Thursday and although I can’t remember much of the game, I woke up to two seemingly certain facts, Sean Peyton is the worst play caller in football and Green Bay will win the Super Bowl. I quickly threw on the highlights and much of the game slowly started to creep back into my memory. I quickly realized the day after hype surrounding this game seems a bit much. Don’t get me wrong, that game was an incredible start to what promises to be an exciting season, but it still was just one game. Sean Peyton will make a ballsy call that will go his way and everyone will forget about Thursday’s goal line stand, and Rodgers will have a bad game and everyone will start the Brett comparisons again.

Despite the fact that Green Bay has already been crowned Super Bowl champions, other teams will actually be playing tomorrow and there are a couple good games to keep an eye on.

inTRadud5uCKtion?..

Sitting on a couch, inside of a student house, three men- Gary Busey drunk were arguing. The house was a repulsive town-home, blasted with dipping sauce and dog shit and a blatant disregard for the no smoking clause in the lease. It was once described as “What the inside of a garbage bag must feel like”. The television- a 100$ purchase on Kajiji was firmly glued to highlights. Shouts of “The Eagles are a bunch of gaylords”, “LeBron is on steroids”, and “Fuck the Bruins” can be heard through the paper thin walls on this Tuesday night. 

This was a regular occurrence for us three at any given time last year. In our drunken haze we decided that what we were arguing about was important and everyone should know about it. We then started to record our vulgar, incoherent, boarder-line retarded conversations for all to hear. Do we know what we're talking about? Sometimes, and sometimes we are too drunk to know the difference between vodka and Aqua-Velva (vodka tastes like shit). However, we do all share a love for sports, drinking heavily and debating about sports while drinking heavily. You might hate what we have to say or think we suck, and that’s fine, just know that you, sir, are a silly nanny.* 

We make no guarantees regarding quality to listeners and readers other than we are serious fans with above average knowledge and poor work ethic. Nic thinks he’s smart but I’ve seen him pee his pants, and Josh displays 7 of the 8 characteristics of a sociopath. So if you are also a fan of sporting events and getting shitty- pee pants drunk, read on. The three of us all bring something different to the table and have had interest from a number of guest writers and more guests for our podcast to keep people from hating us.

We are hoping to put together some decent articles and a podcast every couple of weeks or maybe we won’t, who the hell knows. I’m wasted and this could just be a dream for all I know.

-BJWS

*(If you like our material- you may be an idiot as well)