DINGERS AND BOOBS!
Now that the season has officially begun, there are a few things we think you should look out this season.
1 - The aforementioned Ozzie Guillen
His antics are going to come fast and furious this year now that he has come out of shadow of the Windy City. Our officially licensed "Guillen Watch!" segment will keep you up to date on all the hi-jinks this season.
2 - The Boston Red Sox, alcohol, chicken
Their fried chicken and alcohol consumption was the basis of a massive amount of criticism last year. Was their late season collapse a product of greasy fingers and a solid buzz? I'd like to think so, and everyone and their mother HOPES so. Now the shamed team must return to the much improved AL East with all eyes on their sobriety and diets. Looks like that bullpen is going to have to invest in those stealth beer can covers that you use on roadies. Of course, it will be hard to resist mowing down a couple self-loathing Double-Downs when you've been drinking beer in the sun all afternoon, LOOKING AT YOU JOHN LACKEY (whenever it is you return).
3 - The AL East
This year, above all, looks to be the most competitive for the best division in baseball. All teams that rhyme with Bays are in prime position to take advantage of the new playoff format. Tampa has, of course, been competitive for years, but Toronto with a refreshing core of young players has been turning heads. I may be a disgusting, self promoting, biased writer, but I can say for the first time in a long time that the Jays have a legitimately good team. How that team puts its season together is a completely different story (see "Cincinnati Reds" for more details on talented failures). I'm not going to talk about the Sawx and Yankees because fuck those guys, turn on ESPN if you want to toot on their horn for the 100th time this week. And don't get me started on Baltimore... because...you know...they also have a baseball team... and stuff. Either way, this division is going to be a fun one to watch this year if things play out how they have the potential to.
4 - Albert Pujols, money, Prince, eating
A quarter of a billion dollars. The man probably uses 20s as socks (don't question the logistics of money socks, I have a prototype). I'm very interested to see how the man who truly has nothing left to play for, plays. I wouldn't be surprised if he went for a couple ABs with a solid gold bat that would be ridiculously heavy and impossible to swing (he still might take AJ Burnett yard, what with the broken eye-ball and all). Prince Fielder got a couple clams from D-Town as well. I predict him going up a couple belt sizes and RBIs batting after Miggy in that lineup. I hope those two start some kind of eating club that you must hit at least 30 dingers to be a part of. Everyone would have to just sit idly by and watch as they eat Jhonny Peralta's entire birthday cake, laughing maniacally.
5 - YUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
After a shaky start in his debut, Darvish looked strong. I can only assume he will assist in the Rangers having a terrific season only to inevitably lose in the World Series. It's science.
A couple other, less important items: Streakers (there has already been, like, 10), Marlins Stadium (it's big and has a bunch of retarded shit in it), AJ Burnett (my hatred for him makes me wish for such terrible things... That being said, how awesome would it be if he had to wear an eye-patch for the season, HE PLAYS FOR THE PIRATES!)
Enjoy the season!