Monday, 16 April 2012

From the desk of Jon Snow: Toronto Blue Jays Games be Crazy, Yo!

That's right, our field reporter/special guest/favorite bastard Jon Snow is back. He has seen many horrors since we last spoke to him and was also beaten mercilessly by an old wildling man named Craster. He comes to us today with tales of vomit and other depravity from a recent journey to a Toronto Blue Jays game. Enjoy!

By Jon Snow
Special to Drunk Guy Sports

Vomity horror
Watching baseball can get tedious. 

Maybe the pitcher takes forever on the mound. Maybe A-Rod is too busy admiring his own reflection to take a full swing. Maybe the guy in your row is puking into a bag.

Yes, so, that happened. At a Toronto Blue Jays game. Five feet from two children who were watching baseball for the first time. Fuck Sigmund Freud (but secretly steal his research MUHAHAHA), I can guarantee that would scar anyone for life. You could be sitting at home watching SportsCenter and gagging every time a Pittsburgh Pirates highlight airs; and it would have nothing to do with the fact the Pirates induce vomit at the best of times. It's because some guy chunked a regurgitated Polish sausage into your face during your formative years.

It was pink and looked like apple sauce.

Artist's Rendition

Oh, and then he puked on the girl in front of him. Her reaction was pretty reasonable all things considered. Then this person went to sleep--passed out, I suppose--after saying "you shouldn't have given me wine."

Those could have been some famous last words. On par with mountain man Kit Carson saying "I wish I had time for one more bowl of chili" before Death pulled the rug out from under him. Seriously, Google that quote. I'll wait.

Holy shit, right? One of my favourite quotes after "stick them with the pointy end" -BY ME.


At this point it became clear that the 500 level at the Rogers Centre is like steerage on the Titanic. No one gives a shit about the people up there, and if the stadium began to sink they'd would lock us away and let Mother Nature do her worst. Some 50-year-old man wearing a custom jersey and drinking hard cider would be screaming "NEVER LET GO" to an 18-year-old girl with a pink hat and a sign that says "HAWRNY FOR LAWRIE." 

Billy Zane would probably still be there, because his best role is still as "Concerned Model #3" in "Zoolander."

Completely unrelated: I once rented "The Phantom."

Movie magic

Was it about magic skulls? And power rings? Did he use guns? Is this the hardest anyone's ever thought about Billy Zane's career?

Let's pause for more Googling.


Ouch, that's a hefty IRS lien.


Someone in our section was dressed like Batman sidekick Robin. There was no cause for it; and there wasn't even anyone dressed as Batman anywhere in the stadium. WHOSE SIDEKICK WAS HE?

In the beer line a girl passed out and people were gearing up to resuscitate her, or so I was told. Other sources informed me it was just a poorly-planned ploy to grope someone. Which scenario is more disturbing?

Some guy tripped over a trash can in the beer line. He was facing it five seconds earlier, but it still snuck up on him like a Vietcong ambush. Both of his beers survived the fall, so I gave the landing an 8. The French judge gave him a 5.5, but that guy's a prick.

Whenever the beer guy entered a section he barely made it half the way up before he ran out of beer. I had to buy cider from him at one point, and I must say it was delicious. How do they get the booze in the apples? AHAHAHA FOOLED YOU! I know it's really made out of people.

The soberest guy at the ballpark (usually known as the biggest loser) was the guy who drums out front. He was the shiny thing that distracted everyone with his infectious rhythm and sentence fragments. LEZZ GO BLEWWW JAYYYS.

In the washroom, a man dropped a toonie while pulling away from the urinal. He didn't notice. When someone pointed out he had dropped the coin he looked over and saw it was within pissing distance of several urinals. There was visible hesitation on his face as he decided whether or not to pick it up. Who knows how many hepatitises it already held. 

Did he pick it up? That's a story for another day.

(He so did.)

Poet Samuel Johnson once wrote, " He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man."

Was that beast a Blue Jay?
(EDITOR'S NOTE: Vomit AND poetry? You dazzle us you bastard, you)

P.S. I love Edwin "Eddie" Encarnacion. He's no craven.

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