Sex, Drugs and Playoffs: Western Conference

Where the fuck has the time gone? 

I remember when David Stern was twisting this league by the balls during lockout negotiations, how little hope I had for a 2012 NBA season.  Then, suddenly, on that glorious November evening, an agreement was made to end the lockout and basketball was back in our lives.  The honeymoon phase felt like yesterday, and the sex was nice too.  Skip through the boring middle of the NBA season and now the action is starting to heat up: the divorce.  It’s been a good run (season) but its time to close things up (file the papers), and only one team (person) can come out on top (NBA Champions) 

(EDITOR'S NOTE: You know a shocking amount about divorce for a 21 year-old spinster).  

Hearts will be broken, heroes will be made, souls will be eaten, and Scalabrine will rein (I’m a poet and didn’t even know it).

Pictures speak louder than words

Sex, Drugs and Playoffs: Eastern Conference

Where the fuck has the time gone? 

I remember when David Stern was twisting this league by the balls during lockout negotiations, how little hope I had for a 2012 NBA season.  Then, suddenly, on that glorious November evening, an agreement was made to end the lockout and basketball was back in our lives.  The honeymoon phase felt like it was yesterday, and the sex was nice too.  Skip through the boring middle of the NBA season and now the action is starting to heat up: the divorce.  It’s been a good run (season) but its time to close things up (file the papers), and only one team (person) can come out on top (NBA Champions).  Hearts will be broken, heroes will be made, souls will be eaten, and Scalabrine will rein (I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it).

Pictures speak louder than words

Until the NBA Finals, DrunkGuySports will be previewing every series in every round until we are crowned a winner.  The 2012 NBA playoffs promise to be as entertaining as the first time you watched Indiana Jones, and as dramatic as watching a fat kids reaction when he finds out the ice cream store ran out of chocolate.  The point is, there is nothing like playoff basketball, so lets see what the eastern conference has in store of us:

The Official DGS Theme Song

It was a close one, sorry Hot Problems but we have decided to go with the superb piece entitled The Baddest by Krispy Kreme.

This upperlip-sweaty man who seemingly has 400 of everything, and isn't very tall (but he'll fight you) is probably the greatest unrecognized artist of the year.

"I had to fight my whole life, I could beat you up even if you had one-thousand knives."

Poetry.

GUILLEN WATCH!

All season DGS will be committed to presenting you with all you need to know about Ozzie Guillen's hi-jinks. Will he swear on national television? Will he win a hot-dog eating contest? Honestly, who the hell knows? Stay tuned for the latest and greatest.

The Showtime series, "The Franchise" released it's preview last week. Key moments show Ozzie cursing like a pirate and getting suspended. IT SHOWS HIM GETTING SUSPENDED. Ozzie's reaction in the three minute clip is a chuckle when he is told the news. Classic.

Team Status: 7-7, flashes of greatness, indefinite potential.

Level of Regret in Management: Hard to say. Either elated that the foul mouthed Guillen will make this season of The Franchise better than last (OMG WHAT'S BRIAN WILSON UP TO TODAY!? I BET IT'S REALLLLLY WACKYYY!). Or, they are still nervous as shit, wondering what's going to come out of the man's mouth on national television. The latter? The latter.

Ozzie's Disposition: Based on this preview, happy. He looks happy.

Next Stunt Prediction: I hope at some point he tries to fight a cameraman from the series. That would just make my year.

Until next time.

-BJWS

Drunk-Cast: April 20, 2012

We got drunk again... On this week's drunkcast we talk about Dwight Howard, we get frisky with the NBA playoffs, give a word on the National Hoakey Legion and play some sexy elevator music...

***GLASS SHATTERING***

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!": One Trophy's Triumphant Story

"How putrid a man," thought the trophy as he lay in a glass case in Ireland. The television was showing a brief piece on a one, Nick Saban, on that afternoon's edition of ESPN Game Day. The trophy still smelled of the polish the craftsman had applied. The trophy was glorious in every aspect of the word. Glorious.

"One day, you'll be given to someone who deserves you and loves you like I do." The craftsman, O'Toole, said. This gave Trophy comfort. The horrid man on the television squealed on about his team, Alabama, and their goal of winning the National Championship. "How disgusting," Trophy reflected.

From the desk of Jon Snow: Toronto Blue Jays Games be Crazy, Yo!

That's right, our field reporter/special guest/favorite bastard Jon Snow is back. He has seen many horrors since we last spoke to him and was also beaten mercilessly by an old wildling man named Craster. He comes to us today with tales of vomit and other depravity from a recent journey to a Toronto Blue Jays game. Enjoy!

By Jon Snow
Special to Drunk Guy Sports

Vomity horror

Watching baseball can get tedious. 

Maybe the pitcher takes forever on the mound. Maybe A-Rod is too busy admiring his own reflection to take a full swing. Maybe the guy in your row is puking into a bag.

Out with the Old and in with the...Old?

Remember peach baskets? "It's your turn to fetch the ball Reginald!"

With the NBA season coming to a close, it's time to start reminiscing about all the fun shit that went down this year.  From Javale Mcgee's antics to Derrick Rose’s injuries, DGS is going nostalgic for a bit until things start to matter again. Playoffs, baby.

5 Things to Watch This Baseball Season

DINGERS AND BOOBS!

Now that the season has officially begun, there are a few things we think you should look out this season.

Awww Hell No

So, I was going to post an NHL playoff preview today considering the playoffs are starting and its an exciting thing but then this came to my attention, and completely fucked my whole day up...

GUILLEN WATCH!

All season DGS will be committed to presenting you with all you need to know about Ozzie Guillen's hi-jinks. Will he swear on national television? Will he win a hot-dog eating contest? Honestly, who the hell knows? Stay tuned for the latest and greatest.

Ozzie Guillen apologized for making pro-Fidel comments. The result? A five game suspension will be enforced by the team. I have no idea who this appeases, but I can only assume nobody. The season is less than 10 games in and we already have him giving props to Communist dictators. A five game suspension means shit all here. Ozzie is sympathetic towards the Cuban population of Miami, not ownership. You're in for it, Miami.

The Miami Marlins need find a fan base quick to fill their 500 million dollar stadium. Ozzie's antics may just be the thing they need. However, something tells me this is the wrong direction.

Team Status: Promising

Level of Regret in Management: Moderate

Ozzie’s Disposition: Restrained glee, with a hint of regret

Next Stunt Prediction: I would say something involving a hot-air balloon. Not sure why.

An Open Letter to Andrew Bynum

Dear Andy,

Just a few things we needed to get off of our chest:

Fuck you.

Shut the fuck up and play basketball you primadonna millionaire. It would appear you have accepted the role of the astonishing dickhead no-one expected or wanted. Perhaps throwing the tiny JJ Barea eight feet skyward in your televised attempted murder last year exhilarated you to the extent where you now feel the need to be a fucking asshole in order to be noticed. Isn't that special. However,  we feel you should know that you are sucking up all the cuntiness Kobe needs to survive. If he doesn't get his required dose of being a mutinous asshole there will be a shit storm that not even Helen Hunt could track (Twister,  1996). If you don't save some prickness for the mamba, we're positive you can kiss your hard earned 3rd place goodbye when he realizes YOU are getting away with what he needed six quality years consecutively to pull off. (SIDE NOTE: You've had three quarters of ONE quality year)

So, now that you are becoming the John McEnroe of basketball you better start being funny, or shutting the fuck up. As far as we know, you're about as funny as a bag of pretzels. Boring, salty, and everyone wonders why the fuck people put up with you; encroaching on good things (see any party-mix for more details). There's only so much room for inconsistent, injury-prone douchebags in the world of super-stardom and the magical land of people giving a flying fuck about you. We hope you realize you are one injury from becoming an after-thought once again. Do us all a solid, and shut your trap. Mike Brown should smack your testicles with a car antennae.

Sincerely,

DGS


P.S. GET THE FUCK IN THE HUDDLE

Holy Shit, It's a Podcast!

OK, we got wasted.

We actually managed to record a podcast that remained audible for long enough to be considered opinionated. Listen in while we discuss: all things March Madness, our own personal NBA MVPs, The aftermath of the Manning/Tebow situation, pre-season MLB dark-horse picks, our NHL Stanley Cup predictions, and finally, time travel for some reason.    

We apologize in advance...